Dear Miss Manners: I’m 62 and have been divorced for 26 years. I’ve been dating the love of my life for 15 years — obviously not in a hurry to tie the knot, though I gave her a beautiful engagement ring over the summer.
A couple of times in conversations with other people while my fiancee is present, I have told an amusing story (different each time) that involved my ex-wife or a past girlfriend. My fiancee later tells me that that was rude and it offended her.
I have since been quite careful never to go there. Until yesterday.
While we were eating at the bar of a casual restaurant, I struck up a conversation with the couple next to me. The gentleman stated he was from a neighborhood I was familiar with. I then proceeded to tell him that 22 years ago, I played a humorous prank on my child on the way over to my then-girlfriend’s house in that same neighborhood (it involved the geography of that neighborhood). I’m a social drinker and was having fun making the couple laugh.
Needless to say, I caught heck on the drive home for mentioning an ex-girlfriend. I told her she was being childish and that it’s history — adding, however, that because it offends her, it’ll never happen again. In my head, I’ll just have to think really hard and use generic terms like “friend.” I’ve just never had to analyze anything before I say it. I’m not purposely being rude.
Is she oversensitive? I told her even if, in your opinion, she’s wrong, I will still never go there.
Gentle Reader: The only relevant rule here is: Don’t annoy your fiancee. Not that Miss Manners fails to understand what a pleasure it would be to tell the lady that she is wrong, but that you are humoring her anyway.
Can you imagine how complicated it would be to have a rule about whom one can and cannot mention from one’s past? (Still, and between us, Miss Manners does think it odd for people in midlife to pretend they had no pasts, even benign ones.)
Dear Miss Manners: I believe that when one is hosting a large party, it is his or her responsibility to greet each guest. Does the guest also have a responsibility to say goodbye when leaving?
Over the years, I’ve attended many weddings, showers and graduation parties, and after I’ve had my share of polite mingling with both the host and other guests, I usually slide out inconspicuously.
However, recently I was on the flip side of this scenario, and am now questioning my etiquette. I recently hosted an open house for my daughter to celebrate her graduation. Both my daughter and I made sure to greet each guest, but a few left without saying goodbye.
I was a little sad that I didn’t have the opportunity to thank them again for coming. This left me wondering if I’ve been rude all these years by sneaking out of social events. What is the guest’s responsibility?
Gentle Reader: Funny how it requires experiencing what you call the “flip side” to make you realize how flippantly rude you have been all these years. Had you no previous empathy for those who were kind enough to entertain you?
You say that you only want the opportunity to thank your guests for attending. What about the more crucial courtesy of guests thanking the hosts?
Miss Manners hopes that as you have discovered how unpleasant it is to have one’s guests wander in and out as if in a public facility, you will now broadly apply the test of “How would I feel if …”
Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct response when someone answers your invitation with “We prefer to be alone that evening”?
Gentle Reader: “Actually, that does sound like a better idea.” (And Miss Manners has toned that down from “Actually, that does sound like more fun for us all.”)
Dear Miss Manners: What is the best way to express to a host known for good cooking, or to a restaurant owner, that the food is delicious?
I find that if I say, “Your food is delicious,” I may be implying that I have the right to judge, which I don’t. I tend to say “I really liked your food” or “I really enjoyed your food,” but that seems to be less of a compliment.
What can I say to convey that I thought the food to be delicious, while letting the host know that I am not in a position to judge, and can only judge with my own palate and tastes?
Gentle Reader: That many people seem to think that using their judgment is rude has always puzzled Miss Manners.
It is rude to offer others your insulting opinions of them. It is rude to offer even flattering opinions if it is not your business to size them up — personal compliments in a workplace, for example.
But how you can construe it to be presumptuous to voice appreciation of a friend’s hospitality, Miss Manners cannot imagine.
Dear Miss Manners: Is it proper for a man to shake a female’s hand firmly?
Gentle Reader: Define “firm.” It should not crack the stone in her ring.
Dear Miss Manners: When my husband and I attended a housewarming party at a friend’s new condo, we weren’t surprised when we were asked to remove our shoes at the door. But we were surprised when told that we could not open the bottle of red wine that we had brought to share with others.
When asked why, the host replied that new carpet had just been installed. We were even more surprised to find a sign in the restroom telling male guests to sit, not stand, when using the facilities. Would you have been surprised?
Gentle Reader: Little surprises Miss Manners these days.
Dispensing etiquette lessons to your friends is rude — and doubly so if the infraction has not yet occurred.
It sounds as if your friend has patronized one too many theaters or restaurants, most of which now routinely post etiquette injunctions such as, “Silence your cellphones during the show” or “Throw discarded paper towels in the trash can.” They do this in the vain hope that the patrons will refrain from antagonizing one another, at least on the premises.
Your friend has no such justification, and you are right to be surprised — unpleasantly so — at being admonished not to soil the carpet.
Dear Miss Manners: I had a professional job interview at a restaurant, where I was told “we could have an informal interview while we grab a bite to eat.” Thinking that eating a meal might be part of the interview process, I agreed.
At the restaurant, I ordered a small salad and an iced tea. The man interviewing me asked all the expected interview questions, and I felt I managed them all — as well as all etiquette requirements.
At the end of the meal, the interviewer figured my portion of the bill, plus tax and tip, and asked for it in cash. I was flummoxed, and soon realized the “interview” was just a ploy to get reimbursed for his “business expense.”
I never heard from the interviewer again, even when I called to inquire about the job. I did pay my share of the bill, but had to dig into my rent money to do so. What should I have done? What can I do to avoid this in the future?
Gentle Reader: That you evidently have nothing more to expect from the interviewer is disappointing, but it makes it easier to address your specific complaint.
Write to the interviewer’s boss, reviewing the facts of your application and your interest in the company. Your stated purpose in writing will be to learn if the position is still available, since you assume, from the lack of follow-up, that the interviewer is either no longer on the search or no longer employed by the company.
You may then say that you were surprised that the interviewer asked you to pay for an interview lunch, but assume that is not regular company policy. In future, it should be straightforward to avoid scheduling interviews at meal times.
Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I are liberals and quite accepting of others’ views. My father-in-law is extremely conservative, to the point of listening to far-right programming exclusively.
My son adores his grandpa and loves to spend time at his house, which is a stone’s throw away from ours. In the course of his visits, my father-in-law has expressed to my son his views about particular politicians he thinks are “ruining” our country, and about gay marriage, gays in the military and abortion.
I cannot abide this, and I want it to stop. I have expressed this to my wife, who has passed this on to him. He was upset, but said he would accept it and stop talking politics to my son.
Now I have the feeling he does not like me or my beliefs. We have had a fairly good relationship for the last 20 years, but now it feels strained.
Should I leave things be or approach him and discuss this problem? I almost think it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie. Your thoughts?
Gentle Reader: That he disliked your beliefs before you spoke up, and that you are not “quite accepting” of his. Miss Manners is afraid that you are far from the only family struggling to maintain harmony despite divisive politics.
You cannot make amends by repeating your objections. But you can make a point of saying how much your son enjoys time with his grandfather, and that he is just too young to understand political issues and the different ways people approach them.
Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to say thank you for receiving cash after the loss of a loved one?
Gentle Reader: Forgive Miss Manners, but she finds herself confounded by the question. Is the cash a form of condolence? Help for funereal costs? A gift to help ease your financial burden in general?
If accepted, it should be treated as any present would be, with a letter of thanks. But while it is no doubt kindly meant, this transfer of cash seems an odd practice. And one that certainly should never be solicited.
Dear Miss Manners: My child is the product of infertility treatments that involved donors. My husband and I are not ashamed of this, and have no problem acknowledging our child’s origin with those who need to know or those whom we choose to trust with the information.
Despite a careful selection process, my child was born with a stunning eye/hair color combination that would have been statistically difficult, if not impossible, for us to produce naturally. Acquaintances, and sometimes strangers, often remark upon the brilliance of my child’s features, followed immediately with a comment to the effect of, “How ever did you two produce a child who looks like that?”
If they have the gall to wait for a response past my look of incredulity, I often say, “Yes, well, sometimes those recessive genes win the evolutionary battle.”
This then frequently gives rise to further questions about my child’s heritage, demands to know which ancestors displayed the recessive traits, and half-remembered high school biology lectures.
Can you help me find a way to shut down this conversation politely? Miss Manners would not consider kindly the responses that have thus far occurred to me.
Gentle Reader: What these comments are suggesting is an insult to your own genes. Miss Manners permits you to address it politely as such, saying, “Aren’t we lucky to have produced a child that surpasses her parents’ raw materials?”
Dear Miss Manners: I am very good friends with a couple that I absolutely adore. They both work in public safety and make a lot of money doing what they do — so much so, that they travel frequently (four to five times per year).
Their trips aren’t short jaunts to local haunts, but rather all-inclusive, weeks-long trips to faraway foreign lands, and each trip is documented online from the moment they make the reservations until the minute they return (“So exhausted! So glad to be home! So blessed!”).
With the advent of social media, it’s become second nature for people to share everything they do online, but when is enough enough? How do I let them know that I’m happy for their financial success and good fortune, but tired of their constant bragging?
Gentle Reader: Cease following them on social media.
Dear Miss Manners: I recently learned (via social media, of course) that a classmate I’d been to school with from kindergarten through senior year passed away, far too young.
We were not intimate friends, and I hadn’t seen her in years, but I remember her vividly and happily, and was sad to hear of her passing. I sent a sympathy card to her mother, essentially saying the above, and mentioning one specific happy memory I had.
Her mother responded with a kind note, surprised to hear from me, but thanking me for expressing my sympathies.
Should I respond to her? It seems awkward not to respond, but is this a conversation that might be considered “closed”?
That the exchange was conducted by postal mail gives me a bit of time to figure out the correct response. Had I been closer to my classmate, it would be an easier question, but she was really just a very nice person I spent all of my childhood and adolescence with, and whose death saddened me.
Gentle Reader: Your schoolmate’s mother’s thanking you was gracious, whether or not she also meant to end the conversation, but it does not necessitate any further communication. She was simply responding in kind. You may, with Miss Manners’ blessing, consider the interaction closed.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.