Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I live with our 18-month-old son on the third floor of a 20-unit apartment complex in a major city. On weekdays, we both work, leaving our son with a responsible adult who takes him on outings.
When we get home and begin to prepare our family dinner, our son sometimes screams out of excitement or frustration. Of course we try and do everything we can to prevent this, including taking him outside for a walk or additional playtime.
But now our immediate downstairs neighbor (a single, older woman without children) has started shouting from her unit for us to quiet our son, sometimes using a harsh tone and words. I have calmly explained (from our balcony) that we are doing all we can to keep our son quiet but that it is not possible at all times, that we understand that the noise upsets her and that it upsets us, as well.
Her response is to continue to shout from her balcony. She even suggested that if we spent more time with our son, perhaps he would be more quiet.
While I am sympathetic to our neighbor (no one wants to listen to prolonged shouting), I feel this comment crossed the line and was offensive to both myself and my wife, as we would both prefer to be at home with our son as opposed to at work.
The neighbor’s shouting and comments have caused our family stress, but I do not see any point in further dialogue between balconies. Accordingly, we have decided to simply ignore our neighbor and carry on as best we can. I am not sure what further action we should take. Does Miss Manners have any advice for us as to how to politely address this issue?
Gentle Reader: Your neighbor’s comment was impolite, but perhaps she is tired. And perhaps, like Miss Manners, she noticed that instead of apologizing for the noise, you chose to explain to her that babies sometimes cry and that your inconvenience is equal to her own.
You should apologize and — for the sake of the other 18 tenants — do so in writing. This will also give you the opportunity to say that while you are doing your best to calm your son, your neighbor’s shouting from the balcony exacerbates, rather than improves, the situation.
Dear Miss Manners: How long after the death of a relative does one offer condolences? When I mention in conversation to an acquaintance that my mother died 28 years ago, he or she almost always says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” It seems odd to me.
Gentle Reader: Deaths that occurred a very long time ago and, so far as you know, in the natural course, do not require acknowledgment beyond a sympathetic mien. That would include a parent, but not, by contrast, a child — the often incorrect, but polite, assumption being that generations neatly pass away in order.
The acknowledgment itself can be large or small, tailored to the bearing of the person revealing the information.
But Miss Manners notes that there is never any harm in expressing sympathy for a loss when you first learn of it.
Dear Miss Manners: What is your opinion of the non-apologies frequently offered by prominent figures when they are caught having done something illegal or immoral? I mean such statements as, “I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said/did …” instead of “I’m sorry that I said/did …”
Gentle Reader: That they don’t realize that the public is on to this trick.
Dear Miss Manners: Many people sent beautiful flowers to the services of my nephew’s wife. I’m fairly certain my nephew has not written a thank-you note to anyone in at least the 25 years his wife was able to do so.
I am his closest living relative. Would it be appropriate for me to write them on his behalf? Would I start with a “Mark wants you to know he …” sort of thing? I’d like to make sure it’s acceptable before offering this bit of help to him.
Gentle Reader: Yes, but then after a sufficient and respectful waiting period, Miss Manners advises you to encourage and tutor this nephew to start writing them on his own. Eventually he will want to return to socializing, and this skill will only help ensure that he is successful.
Dear Miss Manners: Gift-giving has changed a lot since I was a bride. In many cases, people purchase from online gift registries and items are shipped.
But gifts can get lost along the way, and more than one of my purchases never made it to the recipient. Sometimes shopping websites have good package-tracking systems, and sometimes they don’t.
So what is the best way of checking to see if the recipient received your gift and if the correct item was sent — without sounding like you are nagging them for a thank-you note immediately?
Gentle Reader: Enlist the help of a mutual friend or relative to do it for you. “I am afraid that our present to Bridey Won’tThankALot might have been lost in transit. Would you mind finding out if she received it before I start annoying the merchant who sent it?”
Miss Manners recommends that you wait a few weeks before doing this, however, as the urgency of writing thank-you letters has also “changed a lot.” But she feels certain that the well-chosen friend or relative will at least help to alleviate the problem of not knowing.
Dear Miss Manners: I have a relative who is going to try his hardest to come to our wedding from out-of-state. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently using a feeding tube.
He is hoping to be off the feeding tube come wedding time, but if not, what can I do to make him feel not so left out while other people are enjoying their entrees? I already asked his daughter if there was any kind of special course that would be needed, so I can ask if the venue would be willing to prepare it, but she mentioned if he was still on the feeding tube they would bring what he needs.
I want him to be able to forget his diagnosis for at least one night, but that might not be so easy if he’s not able to eat while others can. What can I do?
Gentle Reader: Surely, even if there is a last-minute decision to attend, your relative and his daughter will have thought of how to manage his basic needs, including feeding him.
Miss Manners commends your desire to make this man comfortable, but warns you to leave the particulars of how best to do that to the ones who are most often around him. Likely, all you can do is ask where to seat him comfortably during the ceremony and after — and how else you may best accommodate the situation.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.