A breast cancer diagnosis at age 41 in 2018 tore my life apart and then put it back together again. Cancer presents serious physical, mental, emotional and financial burdens that are difficult to understand unless you have experienced them personally. Living in rural Vermont with family and friends far away made it even more difficult. Being relatively young, I realized the people I knew and loved, both in Vermont and outside, had no experience supporting someone with cancer, which added an additional layer of isolation.
Cancer is frightening and many people are not able to address feelings connected to deep fear and mortality, which often means avoiding the topic — or people with cancer. Well-intentioned words and actions can unfortunately have negative and hurtful effects, part of why communication is one of the more challenging components of a cancer diagnosis.
From my personal experience, I offer the following suggestions for how to communicate with a friend, neighbor, colleague or family member with cancer.
■ Be in touch for the long haul: Texts, messages, emails, voicemails and cards help us know people are thinking of us. Don’t take it personally if we don’t respond, and don’t give up. We want to hear from you and knowing that you care helps. Please understand that repeating our story can be very traumatic, especially in the early parts of a diagnosis or treatment. But, later on, we may really crave a conversation with you.
■ Mail a gift package: Simple, useful and soft gifts in the mail can add feelings of love and gratitude to the day. I really appreciated receiving homemade cards and art, cozy socks, tea, journals, window prisms and anything that portrayed warmth, comfort or light.
■ Don’t wait to be asked for help: Respect how those with cancer and their caregivers choose to communicate. If there is a meal train, a care calendar, a fundraiser or other form of support set up and shared, consider yourself asked. Please don’t be offended if we are not able to reach out to you individually.
■ Ask what support is needed: “Let me know if you need anything. I’m here for you” is a challenging statement to hear. As is offering support when you don’t know what is needed. Ask those providing care how you can help ease the burden and understand they may be inundated early on, so please keep offering throughout treatment and recovery. Can you give rides or pick up items at the store? Watch children and pets? Help do some yard work or housework? When might the person with cancer — or the caregiver — want a visit?
■ You actually don’t have to say very much at all. Stay in touch and don’t disappear. Actions speak louder than words.
■ Share stories. Tell us something you really appreciate about us or the positive influence we’ve had on your life. Or tell us about something happening in your life. It can be a welcome break to take the focus away from cancer.
■ Talk with your own friends and family. Your feelings about health, illness, fear and mortality are important to process with someone you trust, just not the person with cancer.
■ Reframe questions: Ask “What are you doing today” or “How are you feeling today?” instead of “How are you?” Ask “What have you learned recently?” instead of “How have you been?” Ask “Where are you at in treatment?” instead of “Do you have to have chemo?” or “Are you in remission?”
■ Don’t assume. All cancers are different. There are many stages and types. Not all cancers are life-threatening and not all treatments are the same.
■ Don’t make it about you. Your own fear about mortality, the loved one you lost, the article you read or your advice or opinions about our treatment plan or decisions are intimate details that may be appropriate if we’re having an intimate conversation, but not for you to send in an email or share when you see us at the store.
■ Don’t give gifts with sugar or alcohol. Both of these feed cancer. But also don’t judge it we drink or eat sugar. In fact, please don’t judge us at all.
Cancer is overwhelming, especially at the beginning when everyone wants to help. A few months in is when I really needed the most love and support, and at times it was hard to find. Losing friends and family to judgment and assumptions was very painful. Many people I thought would be there for me disappeared.
However, one of the most beautiful parts of my journey was when people I didn’t know very well showed up and offered the acts and words I share above. I built new friendships out of my experience with cancer that are based in reciprocal compassion and for that, I am deeply grateful.
Rae Carter lives in Plainfield, Vt. learn more about her experience at www.Facebook.com/RaeCarterEmpowr.