Calories that don’t count:
The evened-off corner of an uneven piece of cake or loaf of bread
An after-dinner mint
Anything sugar-free, even if it is loaded with other fattening ingredients
Anything fat-free, even if it is loaded with sugar
Cake crumbs
Bread crumbs
Cookie crumbs
Pie crumbs
Basically, any crumbs
Anything eaten after your regular bedtime
Any treat you share with your dog
Any treat you would share with your dog, if you had one
The entire first meal after you weigh yourself and are surprised to see that you have lost weight
Your children’s leftover food, because you’re helping to fight the problem of food waste
A lone french fry in the bottom of the bag
Anything you eat in a car that isn’t fast food
Anything you drink to replenish yourself after exercising
Also, maybe a post-exercise cookie
Raw vegetables, even when dipped in ranch dressing
Ice cream eaten in your car outside the gym
Any treat purchased at a coffee shop if you stopped in really intending to only have the coffee
Unless the coffee drink ends in “-iato” or “-uccino“
Any food stolen off your spouse’s or significant other’s plate
If you can’t remember how many drinks you’ve had, the drinks that you can’t remember
Food eaten after a breakup
Anything eaten while reading
Popcorn at the movies
Food eaten at grandma’s house
Food on your birthday
Food on your spouse’s birthday
Food on your kids’ birthday
Food on your dog’s birthday (again, if you have a dog)
Vacation food
Anything eaten on deadline
Lollipops at the doctor’s office
Halloween candy stolen from your kids’ bags
Samples at the supermarket
Doughnuts brought into the office, especially if your office is a newsroom
St. Louis Post-Dispatch staff writers Aisha Sultan and Valerie Schremp Hahn contributed to this column.