Dear Miss Manners: A work colleague has posed that we give an impromptu holiday gift to a cleaning staff member in our building. The “minimum donation” is far above what any of us at work feels comfortable giving.
One of us politely let him know that his request borders on extortion, especially given the aggressive nature in which he posed his request (e.g., threats that non-participants will be labeled “anti-immigrant” and “anti-Christmas”).
I don’t disagree with my colleague’s impulse to be generous in the holiday season, but I’m deeply disturbed that he’s perhaps using this act as a way to demonstrate his leadership skills and power in the office.
I’m wondering if there’s an alternate way to express our gratitude to the cleaning staff, rather than through large sums of money.
Gentle Reader: Gratitude to employees is best expressed with money, although the amount must be determined by each contributor.
But Miss Manners assures you that you needn’t worry about your colleague’s leadership skills — he doesn’t have any. Issuing bills and adding threats is no way to lead people. And to remove any sense of power, you need only ignore this and contribute what you see fit.
Dear Miss Manners: My boyfriend and I always have a debate around Christmas and birthdays. I tell him that I want gift cards, because I never know what I want and never need anything, but he insists that a gift card isn’t an acceptable gift. I’m not joking, either; gift cards are less stressful than worrying that I’ll get something I really don’t want.
Gentle Reader: Why do you want to discourage the gentleman from thinking about what might please you? Even if he sometimes guesses wrong, Miss Manners would consider thoughtfulness to be a habit you would want to encourage.
All a gift card really says is, “I know where you shop, so go ahead and do your own thinking there, because only you know how to please yourself.” You can do so later by returning and exchanging.
Dear Miss Manners: When I run into someone I have not seen recently, we usually have a little chat that invariably ends with my saying “Nice to see you” and the person saying I should call him/her. This happens with acquaintances, people with whom I have lost contact, even sometimes a person I purposely have not contacted.
I am always at a loss as to how to answer this invitation. Usually I just nod and say I will call, knowing full well that I will not.
Do these people really mean that I should call them? Is there a polite way to respond without lying (I do not like to lie)? If a person actually wants to renew an acquaintance, shouldn’t he/she call me rather than exhorting me to make the call? (I am afraid I am often tempted to say so.) Is there a part of modern communication that I am missing?
Gentle Reader: To answer your questions, in order: No. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Miss Manners realizes it is possible she is overconfident by saying “no,” these people do not want you to call. They may simply be indifferent, and therefore unwilling to expend the minimal energy required to call themselves.
The advantage of short answers is, strangely, their ambiguity: By saying “yes” to a suggestion that you should call, you may be lying, or you may simply be agreeing that, in an ideal world, yes, you should call. What you are missing about modern communication is that while technology has made it easier, human nature has not always made it more desirable. There may be a reason you lost touch.
Dear Miss Manners: My son will marry soon after the one-year anniversary of his beloved dad’s death. Instead of the usual guest “favors,” I would like to have small printed cards on the table that say: “In lieu of guest favors, we have made a donation to (charity name), (father’s name)’s favorite charity.”
I don’t want to dampen our son’s happy day, but I hate to think of celebrating without some thoughtful remembrance of his devoted father.
Gentle Reader: As an opponent of guest favors, other than for single-digit birthday parties, Miss Manners would not mourn their absence. But the “bait and switch” nature of what you propose troubles her: “No swag for you” strikes her as a less gentle way to remind guests of a deceased father than mentioning (father’s name) in a toast.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband has a movement disorder and neurological condition that is only going to get much, much worse. It is clear from things he says (there are “filter” issues) and from his balance issues that he is ill.
Strangers and neighbors bluntly ask what is wrong. I simply say my husband is private about his health, but is there something better I could say? Even firmer? I am getting annoyed, but have been worried about hurting people’s feelings.
When he is rude to strangers in public, it baffles them, hurts their feelings, and humiliates and worries me. My response is to take him out of the public place and get him settled in the car, and then go back and thank the person for their kindness to someone who is clearly ill. Is there a better way?
When we are invited out socially, unless it is by someone who knows us well, I always feel I have to refuse. Is there a polite way to accept an invitation for myself but make it clear he won’t be able to come? I simply cannot enjoy these things if I know he is going to say something horrible to people who are hosting us. As it stands, I simply thank people and refuse. And I would want to reciprocate, but again … his behavior in our home is unpredictable, so my social life is pretty much shutting down.
Gentle Reader: It is surely small consolation, but the more common filter issue these days is people who are fully capable of controlling their impulses, but choose not to.
Miss Manners does not suggest that you pretend that your husband is one of those people. Rather, it might be a relief for others to hear that, in this case, there is a medical reason for the disorder. She hopes that healthy people do not glom onto similar excuses for their own rudeness.
If versions of “I am afraid that he is not well” (also a perfectly good reason for him to stay home when you are invited out) do not satisfy nosy inquiries, however, you may provide some levity by saying, “It is an unfortunate condition, but at least he is not running for office.”
Dear Miss Manners: Our family, including three children, are vegetarians. We are not the preachy, whiny kind; we just don’t eat meat. We have a full, fun, colorful, healthy diet of pastas, fruits, veggies, pizzas, bean dishes, etc. Most restaurants these days offer plenty for our family to choose from.
A cousin of mine also has children, and claims they have gluten allergies and lactose intolerance. (These are undiagnosed by a doctor. She just “feels” that’s the case.) Regardless, whenever they are at our home at meal times, I always provide gluten-free/lactose-free options. I even baked a separate, gluten/lactose-free birthday cake at my child’s party so their kids could have cake.
When we go to their home, no such courtesy is extended to us. Family cookouts are basically just meat on the grill. No side dishes, not even any buns. Though one time, they did have potatoes.
Is it wrong to expect that when you are invited to a mealtime gathering that there be something you can eat? I can’t imagine being so rude to my own guests.
Gentle Reader: While Miss Manners is sympathetic to your situation, she notes that you began by boasting that you were not the “preachy, whiny kind” of vegetarian. But unfortunately that appears to apply only to situations (your own house, a restaurant) that could easily accommodate you.
Your attention to your cousin’s mere feelings about certain foods (which, Miss Manners reluctantly points out, are also what yours are) is commendable, and it is not unreasonable to assume that your cousin’s family would act in kind. But they have not. So to maintain your low-maintenance status, eat around the choices and, if necessary, fortify before you go. Yes, it might be noticeable, but then it will teach your cousins to provide something of sustenance for you in the future.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.