Dear Miss Manners: I received an email message from a business colleague whose parents lost all of their belongings in a flood. She sent to all of her business acquaintances a list of suggested items that we should consider buying for her parents to help them recover.
I’m not certain how to respond! While I have all the sympathy on the earth for her parents, I’ve never seen anyone come right out and ask colleagues to buy things like this for people we’ve never met. The list contains ordinary household items, but she also has listed pretty expensive stuff like computer printers, power tools, and high-end toaster ovens.
How can I respond to her without being rude?
Gentle Reader: If you want to decline, you needn’t respond, any more than you would to any other solicitation to send money. A letter of sympathy would be gracious, but Miss Manners worries that such might not be well-received without the requested donation.
By no means should this be taken as an excuse to discourage charity. There are an extraordinary number of flood victims, and if you can help them or others in need, you certainly should. Miss Manners is only questioning the best way to do this.
Naturally, you will want to assist people you care about. And there are reputable organizations to which you can direct your more general compassion for others, rather than responding randomly to whoever asks.
If this sounds unduly harsh, it is because there is an epidemic of self-fundraising, and not all on behalf of the truly desperate. Begging for help, which ought to be a last resort, has become so easy online that those who are not victims of disaster are asking for assistance with the ordinary expenses of life, and even for luxuries.
Evidently this is not the case with your colleague’s parents. But even the most generous people need some way of evaluating and prioritizing the torrent of pleas pouring through the internet. This is best done when you know the individual circumstances, or trust a filtering organization. Social embarrassment — the awkwardness of not complying with requests — should not figure into it.
Dear Miss Manners: When is it too soon to put up Christmas decorations?
I find myself getting agitated, this first week of November, with the number of Facebook friends gleefully posting photos that they have already decked the halls. I am agitated because I find it offensive.
May we please enjoy a little bit of fall, pumpkins, gourds — and Thanksgiving? What about Thanksgiving?
What’s interesting is that with each and every post, these people are adding disclaimers: “Haters gonna hate,” “I know it’s early BUT …” It’s as if deep down, they know. They know it’s just wrong.
Or is it? Miss Manners, is it just me and my middle-aged mind? Or is it just too early to be decorating for the holidays, nearly two months before the celebration?
Gentle Reader: This is not an issue on which you and Miss Manners get to vote.
Well, in one sense it is. Everyone who posts on social media is implicitly requesting admiration. And surely they all know they are also subject to snarky remarks. But please do not add to that unpleasant habit. At any rate, it would not discourage your friends who are anticipating such and planning to ignore it.
Dear Miss Manners: A few months ago, I invited an acquaintance to my house for dinner. Without hesitation, she asked, “Are you a good cook?”
I didn’t know her well, but wanted to know her better; however, this question threw me. I was so shocked that I didn’t respond and she was, mercifully, distracted by someone else, so I let the invitation drop.
Just two days ago, I was at a housewarming party, where I met a charming woman who lives a few houses away from me. She was curious about my house, so I extended an invitation to her for dinner so she could see the interior. Again, without hesitation, she asked if I was a good cook!
Is this a new “thing”? I find it very rude, and my first reaction is to rescind the invitation. Am I too old-fashioned? How the heck do you respond to that question?!
Gentle Reader: “Well, I am not a professional chef. You’d probably be happier going to a restaurant.”
Because that is how some people have come to think of hosts’ houses. They answer invitations late or not at all, may not attend if they accept, or may show up with extra people. They attempt to dictate the menu and, in your cases, the quality. And they may never reciprocate. Restaurants can at least require credit card numbers in advance to protect themselves from some of the abuses.
You can only hope that your treating the remark as a serious inquiry will enable your potential guest to realize how insulting it is and to make amends.
Dear Miss Manners: After many years of heavy drinking, my husband has rather recently given up alcohol altogether. I am hosting a birthday dinner for him at a restaurant. Several guests are not aware that he no longer drinks, and given his past habits, it is likely that some will bring an expensive bottle of something as a birthday gift.
I want to let guests know ahead of time that he is not drinking, because I want to avoid a situation where my husband explains this at the party, then proceeds to open fancy bags of alcohol from our well-meaning friends.
However, I don’t want to imply that we are expecting any gifts, nor do I want guests to think they’re not welcome to drink at the dinner (other people’s drinking does not bother my husband, and we want our guests to have a good time). Is there any polite way to let our friends know the situation?
Gentle Reader: Surely the donors do not expect your husband to consume these presents on the spot, and he could merely thank them while saving the bottles to serve future guests.
Or you could mention your husband’s new resolution before the event. Miss Manners is confident that friends who are told, “Roger has felt so much better since he stopped drinking!” will draw their own conclusions about appropriate gifts.
Dear Miss Manners: I’m in my 60s, and though I have aches and pains, I try to take a daily walk. Often I encounter a robust young lady striding along the sidewalk coming the other way. She always gives me a friendly smile, and seems like a good soul generally, but she barrels down the center of the sidewalk, forcing me into the gutter.
A friend who uses a walker says she has the same problem in her city, but as the young athletes bear down on her, they always say, “Excuse me.” How should we handle this situation?
Gentle Reader: Stop!
A stationary object is easier to avoid than a moving target, and you will be less likely to be injured if you are not throwing yourself into a ditch.
There is an unstated assumption that the object in motion bears the responsibility for avoiding a collision. Yet Miss Manners does not recommend that you increase the chances of your getting hurt. Therefore you will have to display mental, in place of physical, flexibility if you are to escape unscathed. A robust young lady should have the ability to avoid barreling into you — particularly if you stop as soon as you see her coming — and may not have swerved in the past merely because you already moved out of the way.
Dear Miss Manners: I am a quiet, shy, introverted person, tend to have a slow response time, and don’t like to interrupt.
When in conversation with quick-witted, talkative people, I often don’t end up saying much. Which is fine, except when parting, the other person sometimes says, “I feel like I’ve done all the talking.”
I am always at a loss as to how to respond in a polite way, and, really, it makes me feel like a chump for not being more of a sparkling conversationalist. Help, please.
Gentle Reader: “Not at all. I enjoyed listening.” No doubt, rather than finding you boring, these conversationalists will find you all the more fascinating by being interested in them.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.