Dear Miss Manners: My son is graduating high school this year. I would like to send announcements to my husband’s and my aunts and uncles.
While I know an announcement is just that, announcing the graduation, there is sometimes an expectation of sending money or a gift. Many of these relatives are on a fixed income and cannot afford a gift.
I know they would want to know about my son’s graduation, so I want to send them an announcement; however, I do not want them to feel obligated to send a gift. Would it be appropriate to include a note stating that gifts are not necessary?
Gentle Reader: Graduation announcements do a lot of damage, Miss Manners has observed. Although you are quite right that they are not demands for presents — the only response required is congratulations — recipients are hard put to think what other purpose they actually serve.
Formal announcements are made when there is an event that would be of such interest to so many people that other means of notification are impractical. So before buying the school’s package of announcements, you should ask yourself how many people who would really care to know about this, such as relatives and close friends, don’t already know, and how many people who don’t know would much care.
As you have already said that you could write notes to the people on your list, there can’t be hundreds of them. So why not just send them friendly notes, inquiring about themselves as well as mentioning the graduation? Or post the information wherever you put family news?
Dear Miss Manners: I am not a religious person, but I treat other people’s beliefs respectfully. When others I am with are praying, for example, I lower my head and hold my hands together.
But there is one situation I struggle with: when people pray for financial gain. To say that I find this repulsive is an understatement.
Should I just keep my mouth shut and play along, or is there a polite way to opt out?
Gentle Reader: There are people who pray for all kinds of reasons you may not find worthy of God’s attention — to win games, to smite their rivals, not to be caught when they did wrong.
But Miss Manners reminds you that these prayers are not addressed to you, however conspicuously they are uttered in your presence. By politely remaining silent while prayers are uttered, you are not endorsing the content.
Dear Miss Manners: Many restaurants serve shrimp with the tail on, which presents a question about how to eat this gracefully. Does one pick up the shrimp by the tail to eat it? How does one eat the tiny morsel left in the tail? If the shrimp is cut up, do you leave the tail untouched? I want to enjoy every bit I can.
Gentle Reader: Having conducted a long and unsuccessful campaign to persuade restaurants to peel shrimp entirely, ready to be properly eaten in their entirety, Miss Manners would appreciate your support.
She gives you permission to bite into the tail to dislodge the meat, after having used it as a handle if no seafood fork was provided. Shrimp cocktails are expensive enough without sacrificing that morsel.
Dear Miss Manners: I have a dear friend who just turned 80. I really do not believe he suffers from memory problems, as he has very good recall of both recent events and names, as well as those from the past.
Yet my friend has, for many years, brought up in our conversations the same facts or details of cases he has handled as a lawyer, or a lengthy retelling of one of his distant vacations or some event that occurred in his life.
He never prefaces these with “Have I told you this before?” or “Did I ever tell you about the case I handled?” Instead, he proceeds to describe in detail the facts as if he were telling them to me for the very first time.
I have, on occasion, told him as he begins one of these oft-told tales that he had already told me about it. But I was hoping there is a polite, non-condescending way of saying to him, before he begins to repeat one of these stories, that he should first ask me whether he has already told me about it. He is a good friend and I don’t wish to hurt his feelings, but I have grown weary of having to listen to the same thing over and over again.
Gentle Reader: Retelling one’s stories is human nature at any age, as is boredom and impatience among unwilling audience members.
While it might be helpful if your friend vetted his stories before telling them, getting him to do so should not be your goal. Your goal is to stop him once he has begun and you recognize the story.
As Miss Manners deals in etiquette, which often contradicts inclination, you have come to the right place. Use your knowledge of your friend’s punch lines: “I remember that, that’s a great story. I can’t believe you spent five days in Guam while they tried to find a replacement engine.” Then change the subject.
Miss Manners does not recommend changing it to one of your own well-worn stories, although she understands the temptation.
Dear Miss Manners: One couple asked to bring their three young children to our adult dinner party. How to respectfully decline?
Gentle Reader: Your response must be both concrete and vague. “I’m so sorry, but this is (unambiguously) not an event for children (for no stated reason)” is both proper (assuming you do not say the clarifying notes out loud) and, usually, effective.
The guest who insists that “We can’t get a baby sitter that night, so we would have to bring them,” can be answered politely without changing your position: “I completely understand. Then another time.”
Miss Manners assures you that as uncomfortable as you may find this conversation, it is preferable to the results of being too vague or too concrete. “I’m not sure if they would enjoy it (and you’re not sure what I’m saying),” or “I just got new rugs and am trying to keep things clean,” will please neither side.
Dear Miss Manners: When someone makes an openly bigoted statement (such as one of racial prejudice, homophobia, misogyny, and so forth), what is the polite way to react? How does one address bigotry while maintaining good manners?
Gentle Reader: “I’m afraid I don’t share your opinions. Let us change the subject — or perhaps it would be better to part company, so as not to get overheated.”
Dear Miss Manners: We invited three of our daughter’s friends to celebrate her third birthday with a small party. Afterward, we saw that the mother of one of the friends had posted pictures of the party and our daughter on social media.
My husband and I do not post any photos ever of our children on social media. The mother who posted the photos is an insecure and shy woman, and someone with whom I am still building a friendship. Can I ask her to remove the photos, or not? And if so, how do I do so delicately?
Gentle Reader: “It was so kind of you to take an interest in Cecelia’s birthday by posting those pictures. I’m afraid, though, that we are a bit shy about having our daughter on social media. I wonder if you might mind editing her out of them.”
This will surely be more trouble for her than taking them down, but at least gives her the option.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.