Plumbing is much in the news these days, particularly the plumbing in bathrooms and of the people who use them. The recent superfluous, mean-spirited legislation in North Carolina, requiring all humans to use bathrooms that correspond with their birth plumbing, is only the most notorious case of gender bigotry. Gender identity is rapidly replacing sexual identity as the most controversial gender-related issue in America. The Caitlyn Jenner story also brought gender identity into the glare, although the absurd celebrity aspect rendered it more sensational than educational.
At the root of the transgender kerfuffle is a very significant and nearly universal misunderstanding of gender. Most of us were raised to think in terms of a gender binary. One is male if born with male genitalia or female if born with female genitalia — 100 percent gender certainty. While much of society has, sometimes grudgingly, accepted that sexual identity and expression may vary, the consensus view is that one is nonetheless either a man or woman.
This binary assumption is what makes the transgender issue so perplexing to many folks, from barstool bigots to legislators in North Carolina and elsewhere.
A great deal of contemporary research dispels the binary mythology. Gender reality spreads across a continuum of traits and expressions. We all know this, if we would pause to think for a moment, from our own life experience.
We have grown more understanding about the counterintuitive complexities of sexual identity. Many straight men might be described as having some feminine qualities, whether in appearance, interests or mannerisms. Many heterosexual women grew up as “tomboys,” exhibiting what might be considered masculine qualities.
The reverse is similarly obvious. Gay men are often indistinguishable from heterosexual peers or, often, even more conspicuously masculine. Gay women often present a stereotypically female image — delicate, fastidious attention to fashion or makeup, and a “sing-song” voice. These counterintuitive aspects of sexual identity are fairly comfortably accepted. Fewer and fewer people are shocked to learn that the quarterback is gay or the homecoming queen is a lesbian. We have also learned that forcing boys and girls to repress their sexual identities can have tragic consequences.
But gender identity is quite different. Our society has not yet embraced that one’s gender identity may not align with one’s body parts.
A decade ago, a teacher in my school told me that he thought a sixth-grade boy was likely a transgender child. The boy had mannerisms, clothing choices and other subtle signs of gender ambiguity. It seemed, to the teacher and me, that he was categorically different from other boys or girls who, usually at a later age, begin to express homosexual identity.
At the beginning of 10th grade I encountered this student in the lobby. He was wearing sequined high-heeled shoes. I said, “Nice shoes!” He said, “Thanks! I worked in a really cool shoe store over the summer.” By the end of that school year Harry became Harriet, although reassignment surgery awaited high school graduation. When I retire, one of my fondest memories will be the lovely sight of Harriet, splendid in heels and pink dress, skipping down West 81st Street, arm-in-arm with the co-captains of the boys varsity basketball team.
It is easy and dangerous to dismiss Harriet as an aberration or rarity. She was rare only in being unusually brave, bright and talented. For Harriet, as for many hidden others, being a transgender teen presents a Sophie’s Choice: Live with great conflict as a girl trapped in a boy’s body and clothing (or vice versa), or risk isolation and ridicule by aligning your inner identity with your outward appearance and behavior.
The vast majority of children lie more toward the traditional ends of the gender continuum. But children are at significant risk if not given latitude to find their own comfortable place along that continuum. Because of ignorance and fear, much damage is done by fierce resistance to gender fluidity.
Masculinity is a social construct, not a biological or psychological reality. Images of masculinity have become more and more perverse. Violent video games, mixed martial arts, military-style clothing, hyper-aggression in sports and pornography are nearly ubiquitous. Every school should screen the movie, The Mask You Live In, which graphically demonstrates the gruesome toll taken by the unrealistic expectations placed on boys by the hyper-masculinized culture in which they are saturated every day.
Being a boy requires living up to or emulating these unrealistic notions of maleness. Adults exacerbate the problem. “Hit him back.” “Settle it on the playground.” “Don’t be a wimp.” Boys can be crushed by these expectations or, worse, crush others in an effort to live up to the false ideal.
Girls are susceptible to a different set of gender ideals. In a disappointing shift from my generation’s more feminist inclinations, girls are increasingly objectified and self-objectifying. Commercial images of dangerously thin or absurdly shaped women and girls draw young women to unrealistic notions of femaleness, including the implicit requirement to make oneself appealing to men and boys. This has contributed to an epidemic of eating disorders, an alarming increase in self-harm and rising levels of anxiety and depression. For girls, living up to the air-brushed perversion of womanhood can also lead to being crushed or crushing other girls.
Schools and parents have a great responsibility to allow children to settle into who they are, not who we wish them to be. Research clearly demonstrates that children who don’t have this latitude are significantly more at risk for depression, school failure and suicide. It is our role, as educators, parents (and grandparents) to accept and affirm the gender identity realities of our children.
The emotional well-being of all children requires that we loosen the restrictions implicit in a binary view of gender. It is normal and important for boys to experiment with girl things, from clothing to dolls.
It is normal and important for girls to be free to choose overalls for school instead of a lacy dress. Gender-specific dress codes, whether imposed by parents or schools, have potentially dangerous unintended consequences.
Thoughtful educators and parents are rightly concerned about bullying, sexism, violence and objectification of women and girls. But less attention is paid to allowing each child’s inner gender identity to play out without restriction or judgment. If we understand that gender is not binary, and allow children to comfortably find their places on the gender continuum, bullying, sexism, gender violence and objectification will be dramatically reduced.
Children take their social and cultural cues from the adults in their lives. If teachers and other adults in schools affirm and naturally accommodate a range of gender expressions, it will become the norm in the school. If parents are non-judgmental as their children experiment with gender expression, the children will be more likely to do well in school and avoid the depression and anxiety that accompanies gender dissonance.
If we do this well, future generations will not have to endure misunderstanding, bigotry and really stupid legislation about bathrooms.
Steve Nelson, a Valley News columnist, lives in Sharon and New York City, where he is the head of the Calhoun School, a private school. He can be reached at steve.nelson@calhoun.org.