Dear Miss Manners: What pronouns would Miss Manners advise using when referring to people who do not identify as either male or female?
I work with many young people in a community where a good number identify themselves as “gender fluid.” Using “it” to refer to their friends in this category is seen as offensive, as it equates a person with an object, so my patients refer to such friends as “they,” even while talking about one person. As in, “Then Jordan told me they were going to visit their grandmother in Wisconsin.”
I want to be respectful of how people choose to refer to themselves, but the grammarian in me cannot tolerate using “they” or “them” to refer to a single person. Thus, I find myself sticking to the person’s name only, as in “How long will Jordan be in Wisconsin?” Does Miss Manners, in her sagacity, have any suggestions for a better gender-fluid pronoun?
Gentle Reader: You are kind to believe that Miss Manners can solve this problem, but this is a rare case in which she would like to appeal to her Gentle Readers for help.
You have stated the ground rules:
Be respectful of others. In this case, it means not using masculine or feminine pronouns for those who object.
Do not refer to a person as “it.”
Resist using plural pronouns when referring to a single person.
So far, the solution has been to go around the problem: Make the subject plural, when possible, to use “they” correctly, or use “he or she” with single nouns. But this is getting tedious and doesn’t cover everybody. What we need is something simple that can be easily learned, so that no one is confused or insulted. So would someone please come up with a solution?
Dear Miss Manners: What is the appropriate way to address a couple who are technically engaged but have no plans to marry?
For example, one couple I know has been engaged for many years (including a ring), but have subsequently moved on with all significant milestones outside of marriage — home, children, major life changes, etc. No mention of marriage arrangements have come up since the initial engagement. So is it still appropriate to refer to them as one another’s “fiance(e)”?
Or does using the term “fiance(e)” run the risk of sounding insulting, since it seems to highlight an unmet promise?
Gentle Reader: What did they promise you? A weekend of lavish festivities?
It seems to Miss Manners that such a couple alone can define the relationship. If they are affianced, they must mean something slightly different from the term now available to committed but unmarried couples, who call themselves partners. Meanwhile, the rest of us should look for our champagne elsewhere.
Dear Miss Manners: I lost my husband to cancer two years ago. I had my diamond engagement ring resized to fit on my right-hand ring finger, next to my pinkie. Is it proper to wear it this way?
Since I am looking to date again, what kind of message does this send to men? Would they think that I am divorced and wear the ring to remind me that I was married before? I want to honor my husband’s memory, but do what is right.
Gentle Reader: Despite what busybodies keep telling widows, there is no right or wrong here.
Nor is there discernible symbolism, other than for rings worn on the left-hand ring finger, which indicate that the lady is married or a widow. A ring elsewhere could be from widowhood or a divorce, but it could also be inherited, purchased or otherwise acquired. Miss Manners would consider a gentleman who spends time pondering this, rather than taking his chances by inviting the lady out, to be too silly to be worth dating.
Dear Miss Manners: If I issue a casual invitation in conversation (i.e., “I’d love to take you to this exhibit in the next few weeks if you’re interested,” or even, “Let’s get together for coffee!”), I’m hoping my friend expresses interest by collaborating on a day and time. Is this appropriate?
It seems that, if the person isn’t interested, vague enthusiasm will be expressed and the subject dropped. I might remind the friend of the suggestion again at a later date, and if still no definite plans are made, I’ll drop the idea altogether.
I hear often enough, “Oh, I wish you would have reminded us!” that I wonder if I should persist, but sometimes feel that if I do, I’m creating an obligation where none was wanted.
I hope you’ll forgive me if this seems a matter of “common sense.”
Gentle Reader: Well, it sort of does, although Miss Manners of course forgives you.
You made a suggestion without naming a date; your friend failed to take it up; your friend then backpedaled by claiming that he would have liked to go. And then blamed you, which was not quite nice. Next time, name a date and ask for a yes or no.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I have a delightful, very busy social life. We give and attend numerous dinner parties, and frequently entertain our friends for weekends at our vacation home.
How do I respond to people we don’t like who openly ask when they “can expect an invitation” to one of these events? Apparently our politeness has led these people to presume they are more appreciated than is true.
My usual response is “Well, we are pretty booked up for the foreseeable future.” After several such instances with no invitation forthcoming, you would think they would understand that it is not going to happen.
Gentle Reader: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” appears to be their motto. Very well. The aphorism is as useful to you as it is to them.
Repeat your answer as many times as necessary. Etiquette neither requires you to issue the sought invitation nor to vary your response, though Miss Manners allows a masked, if rising, level of pique in your tone with each repetition.
Dear Miss Manners: Every other Tuesday evening, my partner and I host six friends to play an ongoing board game. It is not a dinner party (we provide a snack and bottled drinks) but, because many come straight from work, we have let people know they may arrive early and bring their dinner to our house.
However, several attendees have started arriving late and then ordering food for delivery. This has caused our games to end much too late for a weeknight, and the food delivery issue — finding a restaurant, placing an order, figuring out payment, and eating — is disruptive.
Perhaps in an attempt to minimize disruption to the game, they also have started helping themselves to plates and glasses from my cupboards, creating a large dishwashing task for me. What is the correct way to request that guests be fed and ready to play by an appointed time? Am I being uncivilized in expecting guests to drink from bottles and eat from the containers in which their food arrived? If not, how do I keep people out of my cupboards? I am reluctant to provide disposable dishes as a substitute for the existing disposable containers.
Gentle Reader: If you were to change the rules of the board game without consultation, you would expect your guests to be confused, if not upset. Why, Miss Manners wonders, do you expect a different result when changing the rules of etiquette?
The game has to start early enough that it apparently precludes a normal meal. Guests are allowed to bring food, but only if they acquire and eat it surreptitiously — and without disturbing any of the household implements made for the purpose.
This is not a workable invitation for either hospitality or hungry stomachs. The most gracious solution would be to provide food, but if this cannot be done, then you will need either to provide the means with which to eat food, or modify the time so that guests can arrive fed.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I got a Facebook invitation to attend my sister-in-law’s wedding rehearsal dinner. Since our children are in the wedding, we RSVP’d that four would be attending. Under the menu was “$30.”
I had never heard of a wedding party being asked to pay for their own rehearsal dinner. When I asked about it, she was furious: “Of course you are paying for your own meal! You really need to check wedding etiquette. We’re not going to pay for everything!”
Honestly, I thought I knew wedding etiquette. But I frantically searched the internet. I was hoping to smooth things over by letting her know that I was now up-to-date on my wedding etiquette, hadn’t realized what I was asking was in poor taste, and that I was just trying to budget. The best I could find was something called a “no host” party.
We had budgeted buying the kids’ clothes for the wedding, and for a gift. I don’t think it would be polite to skip the rehearsal, so now we’re also paying $120 for one meal. My husband says we should only give them a card, since we are paying for the dinner.
I’m left with two questions:
1. Is it new etiquette to ask a bridal party to “BYOD” — buy your own dinner?
2. Is my husband right in suggesting that we shouldn’t give her the monetary gift, since we are spending it on the rehearsal dinner?
Gentle Reader: So many etiquette rules are being violated here that Miss Manners hardly knows where to start. Suffice it to say, using the internet to validate rudeness disguised as etiquette is confirmation bias at best. She is relieved that you came to your senses and consulted her instead.
To answer your questions:
1. No. It was invented to allow people who want to have a party thrown for themselves to make others pay for it. As you point out, it is not only rude, but it adds to the already considerable burden of the guests. Always beware of acronyms that require large purchases.
2. Yes and no. A wedding present should not be monetary in the first place — another incorrect assumption created for personal gain. Presents are always voluntary. However, if you choose not to give one for your husband’s reasons, you would be validating yet another made-up rule: that the price of the dinner should be the amount spent on a present. Only in this case, you are doing it in reverse.
Your best recourse would be to give a small, token gift that you think the couple might like. And not to consult the internet.
Dear Miss Manners: I went to a restaurant with an elderly friend who was using a cane and had recently had a stroke. There was a waiting list to be seated.
The entryway had two benches, both of which were filled with 20-something couples and their young children. Some of the children were approximately 5 years old and lounging between their parents as they used up every inch of the seating. No one offered my elderly friend a seat.
I thought about saying something to the parents, or asking the 5-year-old boy, “Would you like to learn how to be a gentleman?” but decided not to say anything to him or his parents. I felt there was no way, no matter how gently I phrased it, to address this without causing problems. How should I have handled this?
Gentle Reader: While these families certainly appeared to be rude and inconsiderate, Miss Manners thinks it more likely that they were just oblivious. Probably the parents were just grateful that their children were not actively causing a public scene and did not even notice your friend.
Assuming this, you could reasonably address a family directly without it sounding harsh: “I wonder if you might make some room for my friend to sit down. He has trouble standing.”
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.