Wanda and Craig King, of Quechee, have two teenage sons and have been foster parents for the past nine years, taking in newborns and small children. Wanda is a pediatric case manager nurse at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, and Craig is a stay-at-home father. They are currently fostering a 9-year-old boy. They recently shared what drives them to open their hearts and their home.
Question:What prompted you to become a foster parent?
Wanda King: My parents were foster parents. It impacted me and made me realize how much need is out there. I worked for the state of Vermont as a Department of Public Health nurse for 11 years, and worked alongside a lot of caseworkers, and saw the need. Now at DHMC, we see the need on a weekly basis. With the opiate crisis, we need people to come alongside these moms. They want to parent, so how do we balance the needs of the parents, with the safety of the child?
Craig King: The initial impetus came from Wanda, but it didn’t take me long to say yes. We’re evangelical Christians and that informs what we do. We put feet to our faith; it’s a huge part of why we do what we do. We hit the ground running and haven’t looked back.
Q:How do you balance fostering with raising your sons?
C.K.: We always tried to keep our sons very informed about what we were doing, and about taking in babies with special needs. We absolutely had to make sure we carved out time for our own children, and that they weren’t feeling threatened, that they had special time with us. Our sons realized that we had a vision as to why we did it, and we hope they develop a heart of compassion and a feeling for how fortunate they are that their family unit is intact, and that for a lot of kids out there, that isn’t the case. I think it’s made them better young men.
Q:What are some of the challenges you’ve faced?
C.K.: There was certainly a bit of a learning curve in the beginning. The first child we brought in was a girl who was a bit older than our youngest and we’ve decided that we’ll stick with the male gender, unless they are babies. We had to have some boundaries, and we typically don’t foster children who are older than our sons. With some of the older children, they come with a lot of pain and hurt. It can be an adjustment to some of the behaviors; they act out in ways our boys aren’t used to. I’d be naive to say our boys haven’t made sacrifices themselves.
W.K.: The biggest challenge is balancing the needs of our children and our foster children. It’s like having a blended family. How do you meet everyone’s needs, and the needs of the foster children, which are often much higher than our biological children? We made a conscious effort to make sure our biological children know how important they are, and how important they are to do the work that we do. Our boys are foster brothers.
We’ve said no to some kids we thought would have more of an impact on our boys than we wanted. We don’t talk about the case plan in front of our kids. We give them age-appropriate information about the foster children.
Q:What has fostering taught you about parenting or about yourself?
W.K.: The biggest impact is how traumatized the kids are, what they’ve seen and been through. We’ve learned as we’ve gone along, and we get a lot of support from the caseworkers.
Foster children aren’t attached to you so they don’t react the same ways as a biological child to love and discipline. We just love them, accept them where they are, and guide them to a place that’s better; whether it’s their behavior, attitude, cleanliness or manners.
C.K.: I don’t know if it’s necessarily changed me as a parent, but it’s certainly has changed me as a human being. I think it’s made me of a more compassionate person. It’s given me a vision of what is important, and if we can change the course of a little one’s life, it’s life-changing for me as well. We’re not here just to be consumers; we’re here to make a difference. We’ve now had seven or eight long-term placements. When the children are healed and able to move on, there’s nothing more profound, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Q:Is it difficult to give the children back to their birth parents?
C.K.: When the foster kids go back to their birth parents it’s difficult. We get attached to all of these children. It’s difficult in that you care for them and in some ways you do love them. You feed them, clothe them, protect them; we have a mission statement as to why we do this.
In one case, we had an established relationship with the birth mother, which is a huge part of fostering. We got to know her and we felt comfortable with the decision. We continue to have contact with the child, as we do with all of our foster children, whether they go back to their birth parents, to kin, or are adopted by another family.
Q:What would you say to those considering becoming a foster parent?
C.K.: I would encourage anyone who’s ever had an inkling or thought of fostering to take it a step further and do it, because I don’t think there’s any greater feeling than helping a child. It really can be life-changing; it will change you indelibly for the good.
W.K.: We’d love to see more people become foster parents, but we recognize that it’s a hard job and a very emotional job. It brings the highest highs and the lowest lows. I don’t have to do this but it’s for the kids. You want them to grow up and be safe, so you do it.