By this point,
For many, the joy of gathering in celebration with relatives has, in recent years, been tinged with dread: Will the political wedges that have so divided our nation also cleave our family like a Ginsu knife through a Butterball? Will Uncle Red wear his MAGA hat at the table? Will Cousin Tina insist on resisting? It’s entirely likely.
As Temple University psychologist Frank Farley recently told columnist Stu Bykofsky of Philly.com, “our porcupine politics have so many painful sticking points that just about everyone has something they feel is significant to complain about.” Farley recommends one of two approaches for Thanksgiving dinner: Give each person a chance to make a brief political statement, or ban political conversation entirely. As we suggested last year, those who violate the ground rules should be assigned to do the dishes.
We imagine many families will opt for the ban. But if politics are off the table, so to speak, what is there to talk about? Bykofsky suggests a series of conversation starters — “like Truth or Dare, but without the dark edge,” he wrote — the answers to which should always be followed up with “why?” Some of our favorites: If you could be a famous person for a week, who would that be? What was the last thing you did for the first time? What is your favorite family tradition? If you could live at any earlier time, what period would you choose? If you were trapped in a TV show (or a movie, or a novel), which would it be?
There’s always the possibility, of course, that your family has gerrymandered itself into a solid red or blue state. In that case, after the second or third chorus of “Donald Trump is a menace” or “Nancy Pelosi is a witch,” perhaps it’s time to play devil’s advocate. “Well,” you might suggest to an anti-Trump table, “the stock market certainly is chaotic, but job growth continues to be strong and wages seem finally to be ticking up. If, as Bill Clinton said, ‘It’s the economy, stupid,’ why can’t we focus on that and ignore the rest?” On the other hand, you might ask a pro-Trump gathering, “If the president really is doing so many good things, why does he have to tell so many untruths, and why does he spend so much time ‘punching down’ and worrying about celebrities and other trivia that should be far below the attention of a president?” (If you try this approach, we’d love to know how it went.)
Maybe the best advice for making good conversation in potentially uncomfortable situations — everything from a first date to a politically fraught Thanksgiving dinner — comes from interviewer extraordinaire Terry Gross, the host and co-executive producer of NPR’s Fresh Air. In a recent interview in The New York Times, Gross said the secret to great conversations is “being genuinely curious, and wanting to hear what the other person is telling you.” This brings to mind an observation often attributed to renowned philosopher Yogi Berra: “You can hear a lot just by listening.”
And perhaps that’s the solution to the anxiety we all may be feeling: At tonight’s Thanksgiving get-together, don’t tune out and wait for your turn to talk but resolve to really listen to what other people are saying, even if you disagree, and ask follow-up questions that show you’ve been paying attention to them.
They’ll be thankful you did. And so will you.