Dan Mackie: Aging’s a Drag (on the Economy)

Now that I have grown older — through no fault of my own — I find it has become faintly unpatriotic to have done so. Both New Hampshire and Vermont are fretting about an elder surplus, and are desperately seeking to lure more young workers to our northern climes.

Checkers-playing codgers once had honored seats by the general store cracker barrels, but now they must make way for the Starbucks crowd with their brilliant smartphones. We have to face facts: State planners think the aged are a drag — on the economy, for starters.

Both states have more geezers per capita than any other in the nation, except for nearby Maine, now so senior-centric that they might as well drop the speed limit to 45 and ban driving after sunset.

Meanwhile, growth in the Twin States is as drip-drip slow as molasses. School costs rise even as enrollment drops, and taxpayers grow as cranky as cats startled awake by a vacuum cleaner. Some seniors would be crabby in any case, but the present situation gives them something new and ominous to focus on, rather than rock ’n’ roll or people stepping on their lawns.

My sympathies are with the seniors, really. I retired several days after my 65th birthday late last year, leaving us with more or less a fixed income. For many years I’ve taken the lament that “They are driving us out of here with high taxes” with enough grains of salt to keep the pavement dry in a snowstorm. But now I understand their point a little better. A school budget that rises 6 percent annually is a nagging worry, like the sound of mice scratching in the wall as you drift off to sleep.

I suppose the upside of importing young people is that they are willing to take actual jobs and put up with the inconvenience of going to work five days a week when they could be having lunch, taking exercise classes or spending a couple of hours getting things ready so they can watch The Ellen Show at 4 without interruption.

Just a couple of months into retirement, my natural frugality is already ramping up, limiting any stimulus to the retail sector. My wife recently called my attention to some sneakers with a list price approaching $200. I don’t know if I could buy sneakers that cost more than a sensible winter coat. I am willing to wait them out until I see them at a thrift store.

Multiply that sort of thinking by tens of thousands of older Vermonters and Granite Staters and you can see why our economies are taking afternoon naps.

You know that both states are plenty serious about getting younger since they have formed commissions. Commissions put a scare in most problems. I don’t know why we didn’t take advantage of that when our kids were young and we were, too. A Blue-Ribbon Panel on Messy Bedrooms or a Special Commission on Unfairness in Distribution of Toys and All Worldly Goods Among Siblings might have done the trick.

I think the states have to be ready to “think outside the box” to get younger. That’s where “fresh ideas’’ are to be found, although they will eventually have to be put “in the box.” Then they may languish in the Official State Archive of Formerly Urgent Matters, but like taxes, hope springs eternal.

Here are some of my own “box-free” ideas. Since I am now on the government dole, aka Social Security, I’m willing to share them without compensation for the good of future generations.

Let’s start with something dramatic and visual. Since both governors are so eager to reverse the gray tide, they could appeal to a younger demographic by growing hipster beards. That will “send a message” that they are serious — while leaving space for irony, of course. I think Chris Sununu of New Hampshire might have more irony in him, but never underestimate Vermont’s Phil Scott.

Use online deception. If Russians can bend reality to their will, a team of Vermont hackers could do the same, flooding Facebook, Twitter and Instagram with proof of maple sugar cures and miraculous cheese hacks (Build a super-insulated house entirely from Vermont cheddar!).

Bribery is effective. Offer young workers who come here free Netflix and unlimited cellphone data. Craft beer rebates would be enticing, as would more substantive offers to help pay college loans if they stay five years. If they stay 10, grant a lifetime Ben & Jerry’s allotment.

Enable suitable housing. Hippies once came here to live off the land, but I suspect the young people of today might want more than mud, love and toil, something along the lines of a Kendal for millennials. I leave the details of making this happen to bigger (and younger) thinkers than me.

Three words: Viral cow videos. Three more words: Make them happen.

If all else fails, resort to kidnapping. It has fallen out of favor since the days of pirates and sailing ships bound for Shanghai, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Speaking for myself and the Twin States I hold near and dear, we’re not getting any younger. I may need someone to mow my lawn someday, although self-driving mowers might buy us some time.

Dan Mackie lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.