Dear Miss Manners: When living with roommates, do I have to inform them of when I have a guest spending the night? If I do, how much time in advance is appropriate?
Gentle Reader: While using a popular online language program, Miss Manners dutifully learned a sentence that she could not imagine anyone would have occasion to use, in any language. It was, “Who is that man in the bathtub?”
But indeed, you have posited a situation in which it might be useful.
Nevertheless, it might be better if that situation did not arise. Roommates need to agree on house rules, including a policy on guests — and apparently, in your case, last-minute guests. It can be whatever you all agree on, but Miss Manners would think that “no surprises” would be a good guiding principle.
Dear Miss Manners: I know you take a dim view of people throwing birthday parties for themselves. However, I turn 70 years old soon and I want to throw a birthday party for myself; I will explain why.
In the last 50 years, I have lost all of the most important people in my life: all of my grandparents, both of my parents, three sisters, all of my aunts and uncles, a beloved cousin, my best friend, his brother, both of my college roommates, my oldest childhood friend, another childhood friend, and on and on. Many of my professional colleagues have also predeceased me.
I feel as if I am a survivor since so many of these people died young. I want to celebrate my 70th birthday with the few friends and family who remain. Why would this be wrong?
Gentle Reader: Really, you needn’t have cited all of your losses to justify throwing a party. Miss Manners is not such a meanyboots as to grudge your assembling people who care about you and to whom your birthday is meaningful.
But allow her to shed some light on that dim view:
The usual adult birthday party nowadays is in flagrant violation of the basic rules of hospitality. The celebrant directs others to pay not just honor, but costs, without even the choice of where and when that is to be. And expects presents in addition, because it is a birthday.
If by “throwing a party,” you mean that you are going to plan and sponsor a gathering for the enjoyment of your guests, you have Miss Manners’ blessing. She offers extra credit if you don’t call it a birthday party, so they don’t feel obligated to bring presents. At the party, you can then thank them for helping celebrate your birthday, and listen to them protest that they wish they had known before.
Dear Miss Manners: Can you please tell me if it is polite to say “Nice to see you” to someone you have just met for the first time? Shouldn’t you say “Nice to meet you” instead?
Gentle Reader: Actually, neither. Miss Manners may be the last person on Earth to say “How do you do?” (a statement, not a question, despite the question mark) but that is the correct response to an introduction. The idea seems to be that the niceness may follow, but loses its value when offered on credit.
Dear Miss Manners: Is there a certain time frame when thank-you notes should be received?
Gentle Reader: However long it takes the post office, plus the 20 minutes immediately following the receipt of the present. Miss Manners would allow a week for the writing of such letters if she did not know that you would therefore never get around to it.
Dear Miss Manners: Sometimes, when calling on the phone for some kind of customer support, I am connected to a person who can barely speak English, and it is almost impossible to understand what they are trying to say. What would be a good way to request another person to speak to, without being rude? This happens more often than not.
Gentle Reader: Etiquette demands that you make a reasonable effort to be patient with someone who is trying, in good faith, to be understood. But you cannot be expected to read minds. After the second or third request to repeat what was said — and perhaps an apology for your own difficulties in understanding — Miss Manners gives you permission to ask, “Would it be possible to speak with someone else? I’m having some trouble understanding what’s being said.”
Dear Miss Manners: We have a co-worker who likes to sample our beverages without asking. She will just grab the drink and take a few big gulps directly from the straw. Sometimes, she’ll remove the plastic lid of the drink and slurp from the cup itself. The first time it happened, we were shocked, but now it’s become an almost daily activity for her.
The co-worker it most often happens to once blurted out quickly, as the beverage thief was about to sip her drink, “Oh, I feel like I may be coming down with something … you don’t want my germs!” To which the offending co-worker replied, “Oh, that’s OK. I have a really strong immune system” then proceeded to slurp away.
The catch? We all work in the health care field! We’ve tried being totally direct with the beverage thief by saying, “Stop drinking our drinks!” But the beverage thief just laughs it off like we’re joking. Honestly, it’s such a strange issue to have as professionals in our 40s, but we are really at a loss here.
Aside from outfitting our beverages with sophisticated alarm devices, keeping our drinks by our sides at all times (not feasible at our job, as we move around quite a bit and are not stationed in one place throughout the day), or lacing our beverages with pickle juice, we don’t know how to handle this situation.
Gentle Reader: If you are willing to consider lacing beverages with pickle juice, then Miss Manners infers that you are willing to surrender a few drinks to solve the problem.
Very well. Next time the co-worker helps herself, give her the drink. When she protests, politely refuse to take it back, explaining that you are probably overreacting, but your training about the spread of germs is so ingrained that you just cannot overcome it. You may even resort to leaving the area, without taking the drink, as a way of indicating that it is now hers. Eventually, the message will sink in.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I live in a small apartment building and he works from home. He is also a very gregarious person, and it is hard on him, having no opportunity to socialize during the day.
Now that the weather has improved, he’s started working on our back porch. In the afternoons, as he finishes up, he greets every neighbor and passer-by and ends up inviting many of them to “stay awhile.” And they do.
Three or four days a week, I get home from my job to find a crowd around the door with my husband liberally dispensing wine and snacks to all and sundry. These guests then stay, and stay, and stay — sometimes through the dinner hour, and oftentimes until bedtime or later. Weekends are just as bad.
These are not my good friends. These guests drink all my wine, eat all my food, never reciprocate and never leave. It feels rude to walk away from the party, but there are other things I’d like to do in the evenings or on the weekend, like errands or housework or cooking dinner. Sometimes I just want to engage in my hobbies or read a book.
But I’m trapped by guests that I haven’t invited. Is there a polite way to disengage from the party, or do I just need to accept the hit to my time, wine rack, grocery budget and sanity and wait for winter to come around again?
Gentle Reader: Yes, about the groceries and wine. These are your husband’s guests, and presumably his shared larder. But without prior knowledge of their presence, you may politely excuse yourself, citing work or other obligations the next morning.
However, there is a more important conversation that needs to happen with your husband — and soon. Without completely curbing his fun and occasional right to have impromptu guests, you may negotiate reasonable limitations. Time restrictions, for example, may be set — as well as maximum volumes and grocery limits. And if violated, requests that the party continue at someone else’s house — or a local pub or cafe — should also be instigated by your husband.
Dear Miss Manners: I am a wife, full-time employee, mentor for children, and a full-time graduate student with two teenagers who will both be in college within two years. I have many nieces and nephews under age 10 who I adore.
Most of my energy goes into studying and ramping up my career for my impending empty nest, and any downtime I get, I would rather spend with my immediate family.
The problem is, I have numerous friends who hint at my being a “bad friend” because I have no time to cultivate our friendships. How can I politely let them know I have no time or energy for them at this time, without them thinking I am abandoning them for good? I am tired of explaining time and again why I cannot come over for drinks, have dinner, etc.
Gentle Reader: How do you politely tell your friends that even if you had free time, you would not wish to spend it with them?
The art of out-busying others is one that Miss Manners finds particularly distasteful. Everyone is busy and everyone has to prioritize available “downtime.”
But saying that the invitations you receive are a burden to you is as impolite as it is unseemly. Fortunately for you, it is likely a problem that will solve itself when your friends get tired of trying.
If you wish to avoid this, Miss Manners recommends that you attempt to make plans far enough in the future that it will be more convenient for you. However, since it sounds like that date will likely be two years from now, she wishes you good luck in getting your friends to keep them.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com.