Dear Miss Manners: I have moved to a new part of the country. Trying to find a social outlet, I joined a bridge group.
When I first went in to play, I had a pretty good time — until late in the afternoon, when I was partnered with a woman who was very critical of my game. (I can’t fault her bridge judgment; I am not a terrific player at all.) She became harsher as time went on, and I never felt like going back, it was so unpleasant.
How could I have responded constructively to this? I was taken aback!
Gentle Reader: Then you shouldn’t have trumped your partner’s king. (That Miss Manners condemns all rudeness does not prevent her from acknowledging the provocation.)
The time to declare your lack of expertise is when partner assignments are arranged. Better yet, speak to the group’s organizers about assigning bridge partners who play at a comparable level.
Dear Miss Manners: Good friends of ours have generously invited our family (my husband, our two kids and me) to spend a holiday weekend with them and another couple at their lakeside cottage, a 3.5-hour drive away. We have a max option of four nights’ stay.
My husband wants to spend the allotted time, but I am uncomfortable spending that many days away from home. I would be perfectly content with a two-nighter.
Do I, A. Suck it up and go on board with the family for the whole four nights, against my discomfort, or, B. Tell everyone (besides my husband, who knows the truth) that I have to stay behind a day or two because I have to work (which is not true), and drive up later to meet them?
I get homesick and feel “burned out” with lengthy stays — even though I love these friends. (And, if it matters, we have pets at home that need care. I most likely can arrange for that, but haven’t confirmed anything thus far. Also, Husband didn’t seem fazed at the idea of me joining the gang a day or two later.)
I don’t like to lie, but I also feel that if I told the truth, I would come off as snobbish and/or cold. Is it OK to lie in this situation?
Gentle Reader: Lying is a big issue with Miss Manners’ Gentle Readers, many of whom are highly indignant when she recommends such pleasantries as “I had a lovely time” and “How nice to see you.” The virtue of kindness means nothing to them compared to that of expressing the literal truth about their negative feelings.
But that doesn’t have to be the choice. There is no dishonor, except perhaps in court, to withholding hurtful information. And it would be mean of you to tell generous hosts that you can stand only so much of their company, which is what your sentiment would convey.
Instead, say only, “I’m afraid that I can only stay for two days, but would you mind if Sean and the children stay two more? I know how much they would enjoy that.”
Dear Miss Manners: My husband tends to be much more fastidious in terms of cleaning up than I am. I am by no means messy, but do sometime leave a dish or two in the sink to come back to later. I work at home and often I am eating quickly, and will place my breakfast or lunch dishes in the sink to deal with when I am done working. Or I may finish a snack and then want to do a load of laundry, finish another task, or even just finish the chapter of the book I am reading before washing the dishes.
My husband, on the other hand, is someone who washes a dish immediately after using it. He even washes all the dishes used to prep dinner before sitting down to eat, resulting in cold food.
There are times where I will leave a few dishes in the sink, with every intention of coming back to wash them later. In the interim though, my husband will have his own few dishes to wash, and he will wash those but leave mine in the sink. He claims that it is rude of me to assume someone else will clean up after me, which I have explained is never the case!
I feel that it is a bigger slap in the face, and intentionally rude, to wash his own plate but leave mine in the sink. Yes, I left it there with every intention to wash it myself later, and will, but would it really kill you to just wash the cup that happens to be sitting in the sink too? If he ever happens to leave something in the sink, I wash it, no problem, since I feel that is just the polite thing to do.
I know you’ll tell me to just wash my dishes as I go, but am I really being rude and selfish? Or is he being rude as he tries to prove his point to me?
Gentle Reader: Were the dishes capable of independent thought, it would be to them that Miss Manners would extend her sympathy, as they are the only innocent party in the room. “We just, please, want someone to wash us,” they plead.
But no, Miss Manners, is not going to tell you that you must clean every dish in your own home as soon as you have finished using it. Whether your husband has found a way to indicate his disagreement at this arrangement, Miss Manners does not know. It is not rude to leave the occasional dish — assuming, as you assert, that it was not your intention to thereby leave the task to your husband. But if you do not mean him to do it, then you cannot chastise him for not doing so.
Dear Miss Manners: What are your thoughts on someone throwing a retirement party and selling tickets to attend?
Gentle Reader: That invitation recipients might think there is a more rewarding way to spend their entertainment budget.
Dear Miss Manners: A very dear friend of mine recently married, and his wife and I have struck up a friendship as well. They often invite me to their home for dinners or visits.
Several times, I have been horrified by the hostess placing her bare feet on the dinner table, so much so that it’s hard to have a conversation with her while it’s happening. She has never done it while we are eating, but it’s impossible to eat without thinking about her habit.
It is her house, and I can’t say anything about how she should conduct herself in her own home, especially when she’s hosting me. However, it makes me terribly uncomfortable and seems rude on her part. Is there any proper way to address this, or should I simply keep silent? I have no idea what I would say if I could say anything at all.
Gentle Reader: That it is rude to correct the manners of another person, does not mean you are entirely without options. Find a moment, in a private discussion with your friend, to mention how much you adore his wife, after which you may express amusement over how shocking some people no doubt find this particular habit. Ideally, your friend will deal with the situation himself. But Miss Manners realizes that it is also possible he will be equally amused and confess that this is what made him fall in love with her.
Dear Miss Manners: My good friend and I simply adore book signings. Recently she had a baby, and when I invited her to a book signing, she responded that it’ll be “the baby’s first signing!” It will be right at the baby’s bedtime, and I don’t want to be rude to other attendees. Is it rude of me to try to discourage her from bringing a 6-month-old to a book signing?
Gentle Reader: Whether or not it would be rude, Miss Manners questions if it will not be ineffective and unnecessary.
As someone who has attended one or two book signings, she recognizes that they generally provide more ways to escape or take aside an unruly infant than, say, a sit-down dinner. She recommends presuming that the mother will contain unwanted outbursts. But if you cannot make that presumption, express concern that the baby might not find it as interesting as those who have already learned to read.
Dear Miss Manners: I find myself in a unique position of wanting to return a gift to the person who gave it. It was a cookbook given to my late partner, just before his death. It was a very caring and thoughtful gift that I wish the gift-er could or would use for another person.
Gentle Reader: This is a rare occasion where obvious regifting is not considered impolite — if, Miss Manners notes, it is done kindly and with sensitivity. “My partner adored this gift and used it often,” you can say. “I am sure that he would want you to have it, since you shared such an enthusiasm for cooking.”
Dear Miss Manners: If someone burps, passes gas, etc., and says “Excuse me,” is it proper to say “You are excused”? I have someone teaching this to my grandchildren and it is new to me. Have I been disrespectful my entire life?
Gentle Reader: Without knowing you, Miss Manners can hardly say.
If your response to these bodily transgressions has heretofore been, “Ew, gross!” or “Wasn’t me!” then yes. If, however, you simply ignored them and responded with a polite smile, you would not be faulted.
Dear Miss Manners: My family and I like to go to a restaurant that has great food. More than a couple of times, we have not been waited on for quite a while after being seated. The most recent time this occurred, a member of the waitstaff finally came to our table and asked, “How are you doing tonight?” I replied, “Not that great. We have not been waited on yet.”
My daughter thought I was rude. What do you think? What should I have said instead?
Gentle Reader: Well, they did ask. While Miss Manners rarely advocates answering mere pleasantries with “honesty” (a horribly abused sentiment that is generally synonymous with insults), in this case, the waitstaff was uniquely qualified to remedy the situation.
“I am afraid that we are terribly thirsty and hungry. I wonder if you could help us with that,” said in as soft and genuine a tone as you can muster, is both accurate and polite. It is the “soft” part that Miss Manners fears was missing in your own reply.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.