Dear Miss Manners: Many restaurant servers and food handlers in sandwich shops and fast-food stores are wearing facial jewelry, like nose rings and lip, eyebrow, nose, tongue and chin piercings.
I don’t know why, but these facial piercings literally nauseate me. My appetite is gone.
What to do? If I complain to the manager, the server might get fired. If I ask for another server, a friend who works in restaurants said it is very likely the kitchen staff will get even by contaminating my food.
Also, some food servers sport arm tattoos from their neck to their wrists. Some tattoos are pictorial, but many are word messages.
What’s the proper thing to do? Do I try to read the messages or look at images? Are tattoos like these an invitation for attention? Is it OK to ask, “What does that tattoo mean?”
Gentle Reader: It strikes Miss Manners that you are more interested in the food handlers than the food.
And while you should not patronize a restaurant that brings on nausea, for whatever reason, you should not presume that the price of a meal entitles you to critique or question the appearance of the staff. The time to check out the staff is before you sit down, so that you can dine elsewhere if their appearance upsets you.
Dear Miss Manners: How do I announce my second wedding, which will be a tropical destination wedding for two only?
Most of our immediate friends and family know of our recent decision. We made this choice after months of debate over who we could and could not invite to a more intimate local wedding.
The list of invitees was always greater than our budget could afford, and we were also set on taking a honeymoon that neither of us had in our first attempts at marriage. Finally, landing on a destination wedding seemed to make things right by us, yet I need to make sure I don’t exclude all who have shown us love and support over the years and throughout our journey of love and life shared together.
Additionally, many have expressed an interest in making contributions toward our destination wedding, which they can do online.
How do I include such a reference in an announcement, when it will simply be an announcement and not a “save the date” or an invitation? I don’t want to appear needy and/or inappropriate, but I also don’t want to disregard the wishes of those who’ve expressed such.
Gentle Reader: A short vocabulary review is in order.
A destination wedding is one in which the guests are invited to a location that is chosen for its charms to the couple, rather than for any association with them or their families. If no guests are invited, it is called an elopement.
A wedding announcement cannot be confused with an invitation or a save-the-date notice because it is sent after the wedding — its purpose being not to herald an event, but to announce that one has taken place.
Miss Manners hopes that this is helpful because she refuses to assist you in soliciting funds for your trip. People who have expressed the wish to contribute deserve to be thanked individually, which is when you can tell them how to do it.
Dear Miss Manners: My wonderful husband is everything I could want; however, his one flaw is his table manners.
My profession requires me to attend upscale business dinner meetings, and we are asked to join friends for meals as well. Unfortunately, most people we encounter at these events are completely turned off by my husband’s table manners — which also, for some reason, reflect badly on me. We have lost many friends and I’ve lost business contacts as a result.
I am used to it, but others are not! He likes to eat with his fingers rather than use dining utensils, even greasy foods that get all over his hands and face. If he does use a utensil, it’s a tablespoon to scoop up the food all the faster. He will ask the server for a tablespoon the moment we are seated, even though nothing requiring one is on the menu. He also drinks soup by picking up the bowl and slurping it down, and stares at other people’s plates if they contain food that he enjoys, waiting for them to put down their spoon for a moment and then asking if he can finish the food on their plate.
At one business dinner in a very upscale hotel dining room, we were seated eight to a round table. Desserts were placed before each diner, and after “inhaling” his chocolate cake, he went around to everyone at the table asking if he could have their cake if they weren’t planning to eat it! Most of the diners at the table intended to enjoy their dessert, but at a normal, leisurely pace — which he assumes means they don’t care for the food placed before them.
The shock on their faces showed that they didn’t know how to respond, and most inched their dessert toward him. He happily sat at the table with six other desserts in front of him, tackling one after the other, while everyone looked on in disgust. Then he excused himself from the table, announcing he had to “go wash up” since the grease of the steak dinner was all over his hands and face.
Needless to say, I lost all further contact with any of my associates who dined at that table with us. Gently suggesting change does not work! Neither do dirty looks or reprimanding statements. Any suggestions?
Gentle Reader: Your husband’s behavior reflects badly on you because … he is your husband. The sole reason for his inclusion at business functions is in that capacity. But even in social situations, you cannot expect to avoid some measure of censure.
His behavior is abhorrent, but you are the one most able to take corrective action. You — or rather, he — therefore have two choices: Reform his manners or cease to include him. This will be easier in your business life than your personal life, since you can tell your husband you have to avoid further damage to your career — “business people are so unforgiving” — and you can tell your business partners that your husband was unavailable.
Dear Miss Manners: If I got married in 1979 but separated for 10 years in the ’80s, do I celebrate my 38th anniversary this year, or my 28th?
Gentle Reader: If you were technically married during that time, then 38, if both of you so wish. Clearly, those 10 years were important to the marriage. But Miss Manners recommends that you defer to the number of years that one of you feels most strongly about — lest you lose another 10 in the deliberation.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.