Dear Miss Manners: I took relatives out to brunch. During our conversation, we were talking about my niece’s new job and her search for a nanny to watch both her baby and a friend’s. My stepmother remarked twice that she couldn’t tell if the other child was a boy or a girl.
Later, after one of the servers freshened our drinks, she commented that she couldn’t tell if the server was male or female. And she repeated it. I responded, with a look of puzzlement, that the server was female.
I’m disappointed that I didn’t have a better response to what was a rude and poisonous remark. This woman often drops offensive, butter-wouldn’t-melt negative judgments that are personal, political or class-based.
Do you have suggestions for handling this gracefully (not my strongest point) while communicating that it’s not OK, at least around me? Complicating matters is that my father is elderly and I’m the only child near him.
Gentle Reader: Life must be getting more interesting for your stepmother, with her fascination with strangers’ gender identities. There are so many more now to choose among.
Miss Manners is given to understand that there are people who consider “What is your pronoun?” a polite question, although there are others with whom she would not advise trying it.
In any case, asking people directly should be on a need-to-know basis. (Small babies are an exception. Unless they have bows tied on their bald heads, it is considered legitimate to ask, as there are so few conversation openers with them.)
But if your stepmother is merely speculating privately and you find it annoying, you need only murmur, “I didn’t notice.”
Dear Miss Manners: A 30-year-old member of our family died eight months ago. A relative held a wedding this month.
Although the couple was not acquainted with the deceased, many of the family were, and had attended his memorial. Knowing how complicated wedding preparations are, what might be the proper way to go forward (or not) with a wedding so close to a family death?
Gentle Reader: The rule is not to require that weddings be suspended — but that rule dates from the time when a wedding consisted chiefly of a ceremony and not a festive (and, as you say, complicated) pageant.
With the bridal couple not knowing the deceased, Miss Manners sees no reason for them to postpone the wedding. In that spirit, some more directly bereaved family members might have chosen to attend the ceremony but not the related festivities.
Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper etiquette as far as guests wanting to contribute to parties?
I like to entertain for different occasions, plan a menu and do the cooking myself. I am not a person who likes potluck, excessive leftovers or a table full of one type of food such as desserts. I finally got most people to accept this and just come to my parties.
I do, however, have one friend who insists on bringing a dish. I told her there is no need to bring anything, that I enjoy planning and doing the cooking. On one occasion, she told me we would do the party at her house if I didn’t let her bring anything as her contribution. It was my invitation and my party. I got so annoyed, I just canceled the party.
To my last invitation, she told me she would come to see everyone, but not eat anything. This would have been awkward for me and possibly other guests, so I rescinded my invitation to her. There was also another guest who brought something to my last party even though I asked everyone not to.
Is there any tactful way to respond to those who insist on bringing a dish and get my point across?
Gentle Reader: You will get your point across by accepting those offerings while saying, “Thank you, we’ll look forward to enjoying this tomorrow,” and whisking them out of sight and reach of the donors.
But don’t you wonder why your supposed friends are frantic about contributing to the meal, to the point of antagonizing you?
Miss Manners guesses that it is because they believe that this excuses them from doing any share of the entertaining themselves. When your guest threatened to hijack your party, your response should not have been to cancel it, but to say, “Well, my party is already planned, but I’d be delighted if you would pick another date when we can go to you.”
Dear Miss Manners: I find that I could use a guide to the invitation language regarding wedding attire.
For example, what does “semiformal” mean for a wedding guest? What about “semiformal garden party”? “Informal”? “Formal afternoon”? “Day attire”? “Black tie optional”? And the latest: “festive attire”?
I have seen these and more on wedding invitations, and am uncertain about how women and men should dress, not to mention how this is affected by the time and season of the wedding. Would you please explain how to dress properly based on the invitation language?
Gentle Reader: What they are all trying to say, in this improvised and confusing way, is “Please Dress Up.”
Dear Miss Manners: I have some very good friends who have always been there for me. They live very close to my house.
This year, since my youngest kid is not old enough to take the school bus, they offered to drop her off at my home after school with her older siblings. I work full-time and this was such a great blessing for me. They have done this wholeheartedly and have never expected anything back.
I want to reward them with something really special, and I am not sure how to do that. My spouse thinks I should give them a generous monetary gift card, but I am not sure if that would offend them and affect our beautiful friendship. At the same time, I do not want to do nothing for them when they have done so much for me. How do you reward your close friends?
Gentle Reader: At some point, they may need an equally selfless act on your part, which you will no doubt be glad to do. But in the meantime, Miss Manners applauds you for recognizing that a friendship is different than a commercial transaction.
What you want to express is gratitude. This can be done with an effusive letter and a small gift. Just remember that it is the gift, not the letter, that is optional.
Dear Miss Manners: What is the etiquette around addressing, with a friend, a personal topic that you learned about through social media?
For example, if a friend publishes on social media a story of their recent hospitalization, how do I handle this information the next time I see them in person? Do I wait for them to tell me again? Address it head-on? I have tried both approaches, and neither feels natural.
Gentle Reader: We have become so accustomed to the technology in our lives being replaced every six months that it is natural to think that etiquette is equally transitory.
It does evolve, but at a slower pace. The situation you describe is no different than when the neighborhood gossip told you across the fence that Mr. So-and-So’s wife absconded with both their retirement savings and the plumber.
Source and subject matter are the relevant issues. If the personal information was promulgated by the friend affected, you are free to address it; if it was promulgated by someone who had no right or reason to share, then delicacy is in order: “Did I hear that you were not feeling well? I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would have called.” And as before, some subject matter is best not touched at all until you have been told directly.
Dear Miss Manners: I live on the sixth floor of an apartment building downtown. Whenever a certain friend comes over to visit, he asks if he can bring his dog. I love dogs and always say yes.
On his last visit, he said, “A good hostess would take her guest’s dog out when it needed to go to the bathroom.” What is the proper etiquette when someone brings their dog to your home?
Gentle Reader: A good host will facilitate the guests’ reasonable comfort by providing refreshment and pointing out bathroom facilities when needed. The host is not, however, responsible for ensuring that the bodily tasks therein associated are successfully completed. In short, unless the owner is otherwise indisposed and you are feeling generous, Miss Manners does not require that a good host accompany guests’ pets to the bathroom.
Dear Miss Manners: My first reaction to someone telling me about an unfortunate event or situation is to say something like, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry.”
Several times, by different people, I have been rebuffed with a “Why? It’s not your fault!”
All right, Miss Manners, what am I doing wrong here? How can I express my condolences for a tragedy without also taking the blame for it? I assume these people don’t actually think I believe I’m under suspicion, so why are they replying this way?
Gentle Reader: To be cheeky and have something to say. Particularly when dealing with bad news, Miss Manners finds that people look for misplaced levity in the strangest of ways.
Adding “for you” to the “I am so sorry” would likely have these same people complain that it sounds like you are pitying them. If these rebukes continue, you could simply look shocked at the insinuation and add, “I meant sorry on your behalf, of course.”
Dear Miss Manners: I’ve been married three times: The first one ended in divorce after 33 years, my second husband died after five years of a serious illness, and I’ve been married to my third husband now for 15 years.
What is the proper way to refer to my previous husbands, especially the one in the middle? I feel weird saying “my late husband,” because they’ll think I’m a widow. My first one is still “my first husband.”
Gentle Reader: “My former husband” — or husbands, as the subject requires. Of course, you can also always use their names, but Miss Manners knows how everyone does enjoy context.
Dear Miss Manners: My boyfriend and I have a difference of opinion concerning shirtless men in public. I feel there is an appropriate time and place where it is acceptable to walk around half-clothed: beach, waterpark, working.
Gentle Reader: What kind of “working”?
Miss Manners will concede the first two examples, but disputes the last. If the type of work is for oneself, unpaid and limited to the confines of one’s home, Miss Manners will look away if she happens to catch a glimpse from next door. But unless the dress code of any paid work actually demands partial nudity, she frowns upon it in public.
Dear Miss Manners: A small bud fell off a flower bouquet yesterday, and I pinned it in my hair. My dear husband was charmed, but are there rules for wearing fresh flowers in the hair?
It seems too frivolous for work, but what about wearing a flower to church, to a store, or to a restaurant? Does the time of day or the season matter?
Gentle Reader: Only if the quality of the flower is compromised by it. Rotting buds and creepy crawlers will likely diminish the intended charm. As long as you may reasonably ensure that those things will not occur, Miss Manners is happy to encourage you to wear flowers for any and all of the aforementioned occasions.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.