Twenty minutes into Warcraft, viewers will already have been whisked to such fanciful places as Draenor, Azeroth, Stormwind — and a castle in the sky. The good news is there’s no quiz at the end. The bad news? This convoluted mess of an introduction requires more mental effort than any movie this idiotic deserves.
Fans of the video game on which Warcraft is based presumably already know the complicated history of this mythological world, but for frustrated first-timers, Warcraft has some serious ’splaining to do.
This might save you a little trouble: Orcs — muscular monsters with huge hands and underbites that would make an orthodontist see dollar signs — have accidentally trashed their own planet. Forced to relocate, they use dark magic — fueled by the souls of other species — to open a portal to the peaceful land of Azeroth.
Its king, Llane (Dominic Cooper), is understandably concerned about the giant marauding beasts that have invaded his land, so he enlists the help of his brother-in-law, the warrior Lothar (Travis Fimmel, growling unintelligibly), and the kingdom’s magical guardian Medivh (Ben Foster, channeling a less-subtle Gandalf) to send the Orcs packing.
After a bone-crushing and byzantine buildup, the movie finally peters out. In what passes for resolution, the name of the movie is splashed across the screen, suggesting that a sequel is the only way to tie up this tangle of loose threads.
That’s presumptuous. Here’s hoping the next chapter languishes in development hell forever.
Warcraft is rated PG-13. 123 minutes.