Hanover — Jim Alberghini, whose son is transgender, has some advice for anyone in his position.
“This is your child and your child is the most important thing in your life,” he said.
This is one of the points that Alberghini, 54, wants to make, after his son, Kael, transitioned. While Kael’s declaration in the fall of 2009 initially came as a surprise, it was a conversation Alberghini did not shy away from.
“I didn’t really understand what Kael was describing fully,” Alberghini said. “I say surprise, but it was more a lack of understanding and concern about what this would mean for Kael, how he would be perceived in the world.”
After that initial conversation, Alberghini set out to educate himself and find resources to help assist Kael, now 20, in the process. The first few months, “we were really just talking with each other about it and just exploring.”
Related: The May 2016 edition of Valley Parents focuses on gender and identity.
About a month after Kael told Alberghini, he spoke with his mother, Arianna Knapp, who lives in Norwich and has remarried.
“My reaction was quite typical, which was to think that this was a phase,” Knapp said. “It took me a few months to acclimate to the idea.”
The more she talked with Kael, however, the clearer one thing became: “There is a knee-jerk reaction for parents to blame ourselves for something we perceive as a problem,” Knapp said. “What I quickly learned was this was not a problem, this was who he is.”
“Once I remembered this was not about me, it was easier to be a good parent,” she said.
Like Alberghini, Knapp set out to get educated, which started with looking up definitions of the terminology Kael was using to describe his gender identity.
“That led to a lot of good information,” Knapp said. “Take a cue from the trans person as far as what terminology they’re comfortable with and it will guide you in the right direction in terms of what you want to learn.”
Looking back, Knapp said, there were signs that Kael might be trans: He felt more comfortable playing sports with boys than girls and was more comfortable with male peers in friendships. And there was the intuition Knapp had when she was pregnant with Kael: She thought she was going to have a boy, not a girl, and hadn’t even picked out a girl’s name: “I think I was more surprised when he came out female than when he told me he was trans.”
When the family began its journey with Kael, his parents and younger sister took the approach that “Kael is family, and family’s first.”
Transitioning isn’t an overnight process and the person transitioning can’t — and shouldn’t — go through the process alone.
“Anyone who is exploring this, they really need to look inside themselves, get some counseling and talk to family members and people they trust,” Alberghini said.
While Alberghini was always supportive, it did take him some time to process what Kael was going through. Prior to his son’s transition, Alberghini considered himself a supporter of the LGBT community. It is possible for parents to work through their emotions concerning the transition, while still providing support to their child.
“I had a similar experience to when we found out Kael was deaf as a baby, where there was a feeling of loss for the person I imagined he could become,” Alberghini said.
“And having been through that once, I understood what it was about and understood what I really needed to do was still see him for who he was, but also realize that he was going to be different than what I had imagined what our life together would be in the future.”
When they learned he was deaf as a child, Alberghini and Knapp became their son’s biggest advocates, and they were able to come together again later to support Kael through his gender transition.
“I’m proud of who my son is and I’m proud of my ex-husband and current husband,” Knapp said. “I am proud of the fact that we were able to grow and support each other through this whole thing.”
About eight months after Kael spoke with his parents, they began telling other family members about his transition. Two and a half years later, one of the last people told was his grandmother, Alberghini’s mother, who was then in her 80s and Alberghini was scared of how she would react. He had practiced what he was going to say and printed information from online resources to show his mother, a practicing Catholic who has strong religious beliefs.
“She didn’t understand it at all,” Alberghini said. “She could process it intellectually, but it just didn’t make sense to her.”
Alberghini tried to explain it in a few different ways. He told her that Kael was born with the wrong body, the wrong gender identity for who he is. He explained what Kael went through to reach these conclusions and the path that he was now on.
“Finally, she said, ‘I don’t understand it and I’ll never understand it, but Kael is my grandchild and I’ll always love Kael. God gives each of us what we have the strength to handle, so he must know Kael can handle this,’ ” Alberghini said. “I think what that showed me was the values she gave us as children and our generation. … Family is the strongest bond.”
Knapp had a similar experience with telling her parents. She said she expected her father, Kael’s grandfather, to have trouble understanding it and to think that Kael was just going through a phase.
“He was the grandparent who took it in stride, changed the pronoun immediately,” Knapp said. “That was a huge surprise to all of us.”
Knapp’s mother, Kael’s grandmother, had a harder time and “mourned the loss of her granddaughter,” Knapp said, “but she has a very close relationship with Kael and has been in constant contact with Kael.”
The people who were the most at ease with Kael’s transition were his sister and step-siblings. “It was amazing to watch his siblings have absolutely no problem immediately changing their pronouns and advocating for Kael.”
About two years after Kael first told his father, he had gone through the required counseling and decided to start testosterone treatments. They met with an endocrinologist and, as the doctor went over with Kael how to administer the injections, a thought crept into Alberghini’s mind: “There was a piece of me that was concerned, ‘Was this really the case?’ ”
That didn’t stem from Alberghini not believing that being transgender was real, but just being concerned if it was the right road for Kael to take. When Kael went off to school, Alberghibi’s anxiety continued until Kael came home for Thanksgiving break.
“It was like he was in his own skin for the first time I had seen,” Alberghini said. “From that day forward, I never had a concern. It’s as if he is my son. There is no other piece there.”
“I now believe that this is who he is fully in the life that he is leading.”
Their relationship continues to remain strong: “After a couple of years, it was kind of interesting to give him advice that a father would give his son,” Alberghini said.
After Kael began his transition, other families with children who are transgender or are exploring their gender identity began to seek Alberghini and Knapp out for support and advice.
“When I talk about Kael and his transition, I have nothing but positive, supportive, glowing things to say,” Knapp said. “But I cannot say that it was easy or will be easy for other parents.”
“My feeling is, you have to be supportive. This is a person who feels so strongly about something, so fully against what is the norm, that shows a person has strength,” Alberghini said.
“(The) best thing you can do is support them and go through that journey with them.”
There’s also reason to be hopeful that society is becoming more accepting. Alberghini and Knapp said the families received very few negative reactions from Upper Valley residents. In fact, the community has been very supportive.
“I find it heartening because I think it shows a greater degree of acceptance than there was in the world when I was growing up,” Alberghini said.
Alberghini and Knapp did not always understand what Kael was going through or the challenges he was facing. There were times when they both needed to process the information their son was telling them and educate themselves so they could offer the best level of support.
But the one thing that never changed was the love Alberghini and Knapp felt and continue to feel for their son, and the pride that so clearly shows through.
“He’s an incredible kid. I’m really lucky,” Alberghini said.
Liz Sauchelli can be reached at esauchelli@vnews.com or 603-727-3221.
