What about hair styles?
While preschoolers are expressing themselves with unique and mismatched outfits, it’s still rare for them to have colored hair or less traditional hair styles. However, Sharon Miller-Dombroski, the executive director of Green Mountain Children’s Center, which has branches in White River Junction and Claremont, said that she sees more parents allowing their school-aged children to experiment with color and unique styles for their hair.
“If that’s acceptable for a family, we’re not going to apply any personal value systems,” she said.
Jeff Robbins, the director of Dartmouth College Child Care Center in Hanover, has worked in child care for 43 years, and has seen all types of fashion trends come and go. One child’s fashion sense still stands out for him, however.
“I had one kid who had a 100 percent polyester knit dress in lime green. She wore it every single day that she could get away with it,” he recalled. “Her mother hated it, but decided why make a big deal out of it?”
When it comes to preschoolers dressing themselves in eyebrow-raising outfits, the consensus in the Upper Valley is clear: Let them have fun.
“I think it’s really important to respect children’s desire to express their independence through their clothing,” said Allison Colburn, the director of The Child Care Center in Norwich.
One of her favorite examples is a recent student who always wore unmatched shoes.
“Some of the most fun examples are when kids express themselves in little ways,” she said.
Whether they want to wear dresses to play in the mud, rain boots on a sunny day, or stripes with polka dots, preschoolers are notorious for choosing outfits that no one else would dare to wear.
Nina Sand-Loud, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician at The Children’s Hospital at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, said this is part of normal development.
Two- to 4-year-olds are in the stage of their development where they are establishing autonomy over shame and doubt.
Around age 3, they start trying to emulate their parents, and those two developmental stages can come together in some pretty unique ways, especially when it comes to clothing. However, picking their own clothes is actually a great way to help toddlers reinforce their independence, Sand-Loud said.
“Any of the things they can do that allow them to make decisions and show they’re being grown up helps with that stage of development,” she said. “Picking their own clothes allows them to practice those skills.”
Because preschoolers have so little control over their lives, it’s important to allow them control in harmless areas, like choosing how to dress. In turn, that may make them less likely to try to exert control by fighting their parents on issues such as toilet training or bedtime.
“If you want to allow them to have control over certain things, it allows other areas where you might battle to become less important,” Sand-Loud said.
That’s certainly something that Jenn Vickers, of Walpole, N.H., has noticed.
“For me, it’s just the ease of it,” said the mom of three girls, ages 5, 3 and 3 months. “They come out of their rooms dressed and we’re off and starting our day.”
Vickers teaches preschool at Charlestown Primary School, and she thought that her experience as a teacher had prepared her for letting her kids dress themselves.
“It was through my studies of child development that I had already decided that in certain areas my kids could have control, just because we as adults control so many aspects of their lives,” she said. “I wanted to give them as much control as appropriate. There are way more important things than having my kid look cute.”
Her oldest daughter, Lilly, still managed to surprise Vickers with her strong fashion sense, however.
“Even though this is my philosophy, there are times she’ll come out and I’m internally raising my eyebrows,” Vickers said.
Recently, Lilly dressed herself in green polka-dot pajama bottoms, a tutu skirt, a flowered shirt and a striped red sweatshirt with rain boots — despite the fact that it was a sunny day.
Most preschools in the Upper Valley say their dress codes require only that children dress appropriately for the weather and have sturdy shoes for playing outside. Vickers, however, said she allows her own children to experience the natural consequences if they choose not to dress for the weather.
“It’s my job as a mom to tell you you’re going to get cold (or) wet, but if that is the decision you’re making, that’s fine,” she said.
Tonya Burkholder, of Bellows Falls, Vt., has eight children ranging in age from 2 to 21. She said she sets some boundaries for her children, but usually lets them wear what they want.
“If they want to leave the house in underwear alone, that might be a problem, versus mixing polka dots and plaids,” she explains.
Allowing her children to wear what they want, and not worrying about what other people might think, is a decision that Burkholder has become more comfortable with over two decades of parenting.
“Being a new parent at 19 with my oldest I had many more preconceived notions of what I was supposed to do, what the rule book was,” she said.
“Now, it’s much easier to let the kids exert some independence and know society’s view of the outfit might not be as important as a kid being proud of completing the task and being independent.”
Over time, she said, society has become somewhat more relaxed about what people wear, but she still knows that clothes have consequences for how people judge each other. When one of her teens went through a period of wearing dark clothing and spiked jewelry, a neighbor asked if he was on drugs — despite the fact that he was a straight-A student who wasn’t interested at all in drugs and alcohol. Similarly, Burkholder has had to help her teen daughters understand that their clothing may bring them attention that they don’t want, even though it shouldn’t.
For the most part, however, she gives her kids the freedom to wear what they please, whether they are teens or preschoolers.
“What’s different from my perspective at 19,” she said, is, “I’ve learned to be comfortable and confident in my ability as a parent, not having to worry about others’ judgment, especially on an outfit.”
All in all, wearing something that is unique is a fairly harmless way for kids to express themselves, she said.
“Go ahead and assert your independence in how you dress.”
What About Hairstyles?
While preschoolers are expressing themselves with unique and mismatched outfits, it’s still rare for them to have colored hair or less traditional hair styles.
However, Sharon Miller-Dombroski, executive director of Green Mountain Children’s Center, which has branches in White River Junction and Claremont, said that she sees more parents allowing their school-aged children to experiment with color and unique styles for their hair.
“If that’s acceptable for a family, we’re not going to apply any personal value systems,” she said.