Last spring, my parents sold the house where they’d lived for 45 years and moved to a nearby retirement community.
Their house was modestly sized and my parents had never been big shoppers. But they did save things for years and years. And, as many senior citizens can attest, the task of paring down a lifetime’s worth of possessions and transitioning to smaller living quarters can be daunting.
First of all, downsizing is hard work. Lugging heavy boxes and cleaning out closets is a tough job for anyone, but it’s often impossible for elderly people.
Second, it’s difficult to part with items you’ve owned for decades, some of which (in my parents’ case) your parents and grandparents owned for decades before that.
And then there are the logistical hurdles. How do you get rid of stuff? Where do you find someone to take it off your hands?
My parents’ outdated mahogany furniture proved impossible to sell. Likewise the contents of their closets. My mother owned two opera-length fur coats, which she’d had since the late ’50s, back when such coats were a de rigeur part of a lady’s wardrobe. They must have been worth something, but when was the last time you saw anyone wearing a fur coat? My parents ended up donating them to a theater company for use as costumes.
Then there was the china, the silver, the crystal. People aren’t as keen on collecting such things as they used to be, either.
And did I mention the turtle? Our family had acquired him when my brother and I were kids, and nearly half a century later, he was still alive and kicking. (Who knew they lived so long?) The turtle, whose name was Joey, came with a large aquarium and filters and cleaning supplies and other accessories, none of which would fit comfortably into my parents’ small apartment.
To our immense relief, my parents’ retirement community offered an organizing and downsizing service to help with many of these challenges.
Joey was adopted by a friend of a friend. My brother, who likes to throw dinner parties, took some of the fancy tableware. And for a few months, every time my husband and I visited my parents, we left with a car full of books, kitchen items, tools and knicknacks — having turned down much more than we’d taken.
Which raised issues for us, as well. We, too, have been trying to streamline our possessions. But it was hard to decline the cherished belongings my parents wanted to give us. It felt like a rejection of my family’s history.
Such complex feelings about downsizing aren’t unique, according to Lora Gerard, the leader of a workshop called Buried in Treasures, which is offered by the Dartmouth-Hitchcock Aging Resource Center in Lebanon.
“Getting rid of things is very complicated,” Gerard said. “It’s not about the stuff. It’s about the emotional and mental attachment to the items.”
People hold onto possessions for a variety of reasons.
“They may have been planning on a certain type of life when they retire — for instance, having a wood shop,” Gerard said. Getting rid of woodworking tools means confronting the fact that retirement may not end up looking like they imagined, she said.
Other seniors, like my parents, just never threw anything away. Many grew up during a time when possessions weren’t as disposable as they are now.
“Older people have a lifetime of accumulation, especially in New England, where people have barns,” Gerard said. “You inherit stuff from family members and you just toss things in the barn.”
During the 15 sessions of the Buried in Treasures workshop, participants gain the skills they need to begin sorting through their possessions, little by little. In some cases, it’s a multiyear project, best started long before an anticipated move takes place.
“Some people aren’t able to do more than five minutes of work at a time,” Gerard said. “We introduce a lot of realistic, achievable goals.”
Participants learn to ask questions to help them judge whether to keep an item or toss it. For instance, “Have I used this in the past year? Six months?” and “Am I keeping this out of guilt or obligation?”
They also practice exercises to reduce acquisition, which can be useful for people who enjoy shopping at yard sales or thrift stores.
“Until you stop things from coming into the house, you’re not going to make much progress,” Gerard said.
The workshop suggests avenues for selling or donating unwanted items, such as listservs, thrift stores and antique dealers, and provides a list of local organizing and downsizing services.
“There’s a growing industry of private contractors emerging who can be paid to help, or some communities have volunteer help,” Gerard said. But she cautioned, “it’s a really varied landscape. We offer the list with the caveat that you should call first, ask what they take and what their process is, before you load up your car.”
My parents have adapted well to their new living arrangements. Their retirement community takes care of yardwork, repairs and snow removal. Meals are provided (though they do have a kitchen in their apartment if they want to use it). There’s a library that can order any book they want.
Recently, I asked my father if he missed any of the things he’d gotten rid of. His response was typically philosophical.
“In my present circumstances,” he said, “there’s not a heck of a lot I need.”
The older I get, the more I can see the appeal in this minimalist sort of lifestyle. For now, I’m still trying to figure out where to put my grandmother’s enormous lead-crystal vase.
Editor’s note: The Buried in Treasures workshop is offered twice a year. For information on the next session, call the Aging Resource Center at 603-653-3460 or visit their website at dartmouth-hitchcock.org/aging_resource_center.