I dare you to shout “I love to have sex!” in a crowded movie theater. Many individuals try to suppress the fact that we are sexual beings. It was how we were created and it is good. For the most part, we all seek sexual gratification either alone or with others and, for the most part, we do a terrible job of educating our children about healthy sexual behaviors. I am sorry to say even I, a gynecologist, and my wife, a nurse, could have done better.
I recall going to a pediatric adolescent conference on sexuality in the early ’80s when we were just starting to raise a family. The lecturer presented data from a survey that asked parents when they were going to introduce sex education to their children. If they had 6-year-olds, they reported they would start at age 8; if they had 8-year-olds, they reported age 10; if they had 10-year-olds, they reported age 12. In other words, it was never going to happen. When our son was 6 and our daughter 4, I thought we wouldn’t need to have “The Discussion” for another two years. It was around that time that my son gave us a very graphic description of how a man and woman have sex. His friend had told him what he’d learned on the school bus from some high school students. But even though we had some free-wheeling family dinner conversations, my wife and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about our intimate sexual practices; nor did our children want to know about them.
My son, when he was a teenager, informed us that as far as he was concerned, “I was delivered to you and mom by a stork!” I think just the idea of their mother and father engaging in sex more than twice in our lifetime was too much for them to handle!
Sexuality can be a blessing, or it can be a curse. Good sexual experiences have many benefits. They can be pleasurable and reduce stress; and if you are in a mature, loving relationship, they can strengthen that bond.
But sex isn’t always beautiful, and is linked with a number of societal ills: abusive relationships, rape, incest, intimidation, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, persecution of individuals from the LGBTQ community who don’t engage in “normal” sexual behavior, and sexual exploitation of individuals.
How might we change the situation? I don’t think parents have the tools to do this alone, but that goes for child rearing in general. Remember, “It takes a village…” Unless we have good role models, it isn’t going to happen.
Many individuals feel that unhealthy sexual activity is linked to the ubiquity of pornography and are calling for porn to be banned, but that will be an exercise in futility. One person’s porn is another person’s creative expression. Blocking filters on electronic devices will not work either… remember those high school students on the bus with their unblocked laptops. But there definitely is a real dark and dangerous side to the porn industry, which proponents of porn try to deny: fostering unsafe sexual practices; glorifying domineering, violent, degrading, abusive sexual behaviors, etc.
Attempts have been made to push sex education into the domain of our schools. Although some schools have tried to do a good job, it has not been consistent across the country. For the most part, it has failed because you can’t get parents to agree on what is appropriate, and there are such diverse religious perspectives on sexuality.
In 1971, when I was in medical school, I had an opportunity to take an elective working at a teaching hospital in Amsterdam. Even back then, the Dutch approach to sexuality was more open than what most Americans experience in the United States. Today the Dutch approach to teaching sexuality begins as early as age 4 in primary school and is “comprehensive” in scope, not focusing on only the mechanics of sex, in hopes of preventing disease and unintended pregnancies, but facilitating conversations about love and healthy, supportive relationships, of which sexuality is usually an essential component. It was highlighted in a 2015 PBS Newshour segment — pbs.org/newshour/updates/spring-fever. Their approach has resulted not only in better health outcomes, but individuals who are more assertive and better communicators.
Let me make some suggestions for consideration, one a pipe dream and the other two worth contemplating. We need to fight fire with fire. We need to use the internet to our advantage. First, the pipe dream: We could handle pornography like cigarettes. Pornographic movies would be regulated and required to have running subtitles to warn viewers about their content: “These actors are not in a committed relationship; they should be wearing condoms”… “this video is portraying abusive behavior which could have long-term adverse emotional consequences” … “not everyone enjoys this type of sexual activity”…“This type of sexual activity can cause AIDS,” etc.
Parents might view age-appropriate movies with their children to help facilitate discussions to foster positive sexual interactions and relationships. The website antipornography.org/ex-porn-star-vanessa-belmond.html was created by an ex-porn actress to expose the harms of the sex trade. The testimonials can be quite graphic, but reflects the harmful reality of the current situation.
I looked for good sexual education videos and came up short. They were too sterile and boring, or geared to young adults. Parents and schools need help. I would hope that a consortium of nonprofit secular organizations interested in sexual health such as the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology, American College of Pediatrics, and Planned Parenthood, could underwrite the development of creative, free videos online to foster safe sexual practices that also foster healthy relationships. Animated technology has advanced to the point that “actors” could be life-like and anatomically correct, with scripted dialogues, engaging in healthy sexual behavior. They could also be customized to race and sexual preferences. It would also be possible to have scenarios for individuals with disabilities.
If we keep trying to address the topic by not really addressing it, we will continue to wind up with the same results: poorly informed individuals with unhealthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. If you would like to comment, send them to paul.d.manganiello@dartmouth.edu.
Paul Manganiello lives in Norwich.