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The movie in a nutshell: As many as 76 superheroes join forces to attempt to thwart Thanos, an immensely powerful, very, very bad guy who obsesses about wiping out half the population of the universe. (He has his reasons.)
I haven’t kept up with Marvel comics — distracted by our comical politics, I suppose — so quite a few of the characters were new to me. They had strange and impressive powers. Unfortunately, Thanos grew ever more powerful by collecting Infinity Stones, the performance-enhancing matter of the cosmos. By the end, he was not only immensely strong, he could also bend reality like the news shapeshifters on Fox.
After the movie, which left us impressed by its kinetic energy — think of a crate of fireworks exploding, scene after scene — and puzzled by its ending, I wondered about superheroes and from whence they come. Eventually, my thoughts turned to our own Upper Valley and the Twin States, and what sort of heroes might pop up here, organically or otherwise.
So here are some home-grown heroes who could be ready in a time of need. Call me, Hollywood, and we can set up a meeting.
Frost Heave: He gained prodigious powers while driving along Route 132 in Thetford on the spring equinox, when a road eruption shook his vehicle so violently that his molecular structure changed. He now makes frost heaves rise up at his command, blocking enemy advances. Faithful sidekicks are Mechanic, Struts and Muffler.
Liberal Guilt and Appropriate Boy: This duo stymies opponents by going on and on about errors of the past, or any tiny hint of hypocrisy, slowing everything with Super Inertia. Is perfect the enemy of good? You betcha!
Tie-Dye: An old Vermont Hippie has amazing powers to cloud the minds of his enemies, much like the brown acid at Woodstock. Oh wow, man!
Black Fly: After being bitten by a black fly while meditating at a deep-woods ashram, Black Fly gained the ability to miniaturize himself and annoy the bejesus out of foes.
Hardpack and Grader: One has the capacity to pummel opponents with tons of stone. The other smooths things over afterward. (Someone needs to clean up after superhero battles.)
Soft-Serve: Yes, you can have too much of a good thing. Soft-serve slyly induces enemies to overindulge and pack on the pounds until tight-fitting costumes restrict their diabolical machinations.
The Driveway Hulk: Seeing the end of his driveway plowed in brings an incredible burst of anger, which gives him the strength to heave huge chunks of ice and snow, alarming his cardiologist. No u-turns on his driveway. Ever.
Black Ice: No one ever knows when Black Ice will take them down.
Recycler: His strength comes from repurposing the spent energy of other superheroes, and tenaciously nagging villains not to waste.
Solar Girl: Her powers are sustainable and responsible. Critics say she weakens at night, but they don’t know her faithful sidekick, Battery.
Peace Pop: Can’t we get along? Maybe not, but mediation might help.
Red Flannel: An unflappable New Englander. In the face of the apocalypse, he declares “It is what it is.” No high-tech weapons for him: a pocket knife, duct-tape and WD-40 are all he needs to repair a screen door, or thwart villainy.
Mud Season: When he says no one advances beyond this point, no one does.
Sweet Maple: Super villains could underestimate this superheroine, but beware if she goes into a slow boil.
Manure Spreader: He is most powerful in early spring.
Lotto Man and Keno Boy: Their strength is financial rather than physical or mystical. Working behind the scenes, this New Hampshire duo answers an oft-overlooked question: Who pays the freight for all these superheroes? Their nemesis: Broad-Based Taxes.
Flatlander: Just moved here. Has some ideas from “away.” Is enthusiastic about sharing them. Seeks to accumulate power but mostly tries patience.
Codger: Delays adversaries with discursive talk about the good old days or whatever else is on his mind. Can make a Homeric journey out of a trip to the dump.
Not making the cut (at least pending sequels): Helicopter Parent, Fracked Gas, Midlife Crisis and January Thaw. Recent news in academia about a curious case of political incorrectness — or perhaps just a joke that fell flat — could inspire one more: Ladies Lingerie, but we’re not going to go there, not a chance.
Dan Mackie lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.
