For 55 years, WISE has supported people experiencing relationship violence throughout the Upper Valley. In the past five years alone, we have supported more than 6,700 people, 73% of whom reached out to WISE for the first time. It takes courage for a survivor to reach out and ask for help. It takes courage to walk through the doors of our Program Center. It takes courage to pick up the phone and call our crisis line. It takes courage to share what is happening with someone they trust. And when someone is ready to come forward, we are here, always.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), an opportunity for WISE to connect directly with our community and encourage open conversations about domestic violence and the many forms it can take in people’s lives. Being curious and recognizing the ways abuse can show up helps us to understand and consider what we can do to support people experiencing abuse. This year, these conversations are taking place against the backdrop of media coverage, including reports of the horrific sexual assault of a student at Cornell University, a stark example of the many ways domestic and sexual violence affect individuals and communities.
As I prepare to transition out of WISE after 23 years of humbling service, I can share that the abuse and violence survivors experience in our community is neither rare nor an isolated event between two people. Domestic violence, dating violence, relationship violence, and intimate partner violence are different terms for patterns of behavior in which one person uses power and control over another. Abuse can take many forms, including emotional and verbal abuse, isolation, intimidation and threats, financial control, jealousy, minimizing and blaming, and physical or sexual violence. The dynamics we see in abusive relationships are also connected to broader patterns of harm. Sexual violence, hazing, physical violence, harassment and abuse can occur in very different settings. While these experiences are not all the same, all forms of abuse share an underlying belief that it can be okay to behave in this way, and unfortunately, a belief, that one can get away with it.
This is where awareness and each one of us matters. Awareness helps us recognize the dynamics of abuse and gives us the opportunity to create safer, more supportive relationships and communities. When we talk openly with each other about power, control, consent, respect, care, compassion, boundaries, and healthy relationships, we create space for survivors to come forward. When we increase our awareness of the dynamics of abuse, we can mitigate some of the serious harm survivors experience. We can challenge jokes, attitudes, and behaviors that make humiliating someone seem acceptable. We can better recognize coercion and control. We can make it harder for violence to hide behind tacit or explicit acceptance. We can hold someone accountable for this harmful behavior.
We can also make a difference in how we respond when someone shares an experience of abuse. Listening openly to someone and believing them is not a passive or ineffectual activity. It is a gift: an act of kindness that gives someone hope, builds trust and safety for them, and helps them feel less alone. Most importantly, it can create an opening for a survivor to explore options and find support as they move toward greater safety and freedom from violence.
Abusing someone is a choice an individual makes. How we respond to abuse is a choice too. Awareness of domestic and sexual violence creates opportunities for connection and for each of us to challenge ourselves and get involved when we see, hear or witness violence. We can choose to believe survivors when they come forward. We can choose to respond with compassion and care. We can choose to show up in our own relationships with respectful communication, empathy and compassion.
Awareness is where change begins. What we do with that awareness is what makes a difference. Together, we can aspire to end violence, share hope and change lives.
Peggy O’Neil is executive director of WISE, a Lebanon-based nonprofit organization. Since 1971, WISE has supported people and communities affected by domestic violence, sexual violence, stalking, and trafficking within the Upper Valley. WISE is available every hour, every day: 866-348-9473. You don’t have to be in crisis to call.