Column: How to guide children through today’s political chaos

We’re approaching the bittersweet end to lazy summer days: Children’s laughter as they finish a last game of croquet, the buzzing bees on goldenrod and the thrush’s evening song all heighten our wistful mood.  

This summer’s end is especially bittersweet.  We’re not only bracing for winter’s snow and ice; we already feel harsh political winds.  The federal balance of powers that’s more-or-less held the nation together is destabilizing.  Shame no longer checks flagrant lies, greed and corruption.  And our government, step by step, is dismantling elections, the trusted foundation of our democracy.  For all of us, the stakes are high.   

These are unprecedented times.  Whether you lose sleep over it or not, you’re parenting in unchartered waters.  You’ve got a host of questions:  Do you talk with your kids about politics?  How much, and at what age?  How do you prepare your kids for classroom conversations?  How do you teach values in the post-truth, post-shame age?  Underneath the specific questions, you wonder how political chaos effects your child and how you can buffer these effects. 

For context, remember that children’s mental growth occurs through ever-more-complex relationships.  First, it’s mother-child and father-child.  Then it’s the whole family.  In these widening circles, parents exert powerful influence.  With sturdy adults — self-reflective and communicative — children experience predictability and trust.  They learn to be ever-more in charge of themselves — to regulate sensory inputs, to handle feelings and to think.  

Children also move into more complex social worlds — child care, peers, neighborhood, school, and eventually the broader world of politics, the economy, and ecology.  At each step, environments of stability and trust promote mental growth.  Environments of instability and mistrust disrupt maturation; chaotic conditions interfere with developmental steps.  

The good news:  Parental relationships remain potent forces, even when children hit rocky roads beyond the family.  The bad news:  It’s painful to accept lessening control over your children’s lives.  

Parents have always had the job of standing for reality, even when it’s painful.  Whether it’s divorce, illness or death, parents help their children navigate heartbreaking realities.  Today’s political chaos is another heartbreaking reality.  Admittedly, it affects some members of our community more, like immigrants facing deportation.  But we’re all strained by the mind-numbing, head-spinning assaults.  And children of all ages sense their parents’ strain.  Whatever threats you and your children face, your enduring message is:  “We will get through this.  We love you.  You are safe.”  This message teaches the essential life-skill:  Confidence in the face of uncertainty.  

The tricky issue is how much to say at what age.  With children under age seven, most parents don’t talk politics.  But as you teach social problem-solving and decision-making, you’re laying the foundation of citizenship, instilling values of fairness and kindness.  As you make family decisions — about a movie or restaurant — you might even cast votes.   Your children learn to handle disappointments when things don’t go their way; they learn what they can and can’t control in groups.

With school-age children, you can start to teach civics.  Reading books together gives you a shared language.  For resources, see the New York Public Libraries’ “Exploring our Democracy.”  Or ask your local librarian.   

But the most valuable lessons come through your conversations.  Here are guideposts.  

Modulate emotion: Be genuine without overwhelming.  Children sense fakery, so be honest.  At the same time, modulate your own intensity for your child’s listening ears.  If your kid overhears your rant, check in with them.  “You could probably tell that I was frustrated, but I don’t want to scare you.  We are doing the things we can.”  And remember that unspoken tensions strain kids the most.  If you’re moody because of the news, say so:  “I don’t agree with some of the things going on in our country right now.”  Then follow-up with your reassurance.  

Regulate news consumption: You’re a model.  Limit your news intake to reduce your stress and increase your sense of agency.  Constant exposure exhausts us all.  And remember that news in print, rather than broadcast, better protects your children.  

Adjust to your child’s developmental level:  You’ll sense when your child is ready to talk about politics.  Maybe they’ve made a comment that shows it’s on their mind.  Start with questions:  “What have you heard about this?  What do you think?  What do you want to know?”  This slows you down, and recognizes your child as a separate person.  Explain a bit and then listen.  Wait to see if your child wants more information, or if they have enough to digest.  

Explain your positions: Give reasons for your support of a particular candidate or policy.  Focus on core values (e.g. fairness, kindness, respect).  

Respect differences:  Explain that different people have different views on this issue.  You might have an example from your own family:  “I love your uncle, even though he and I disagree about what’s best for the country right now.”  Anticipate with your child that some classmates will have different ideas.  Give your child options:  Talk respectfully about the differences.  Or, politely explain that they’re taking a break from political discussions and move on to the Red Sox.  

Encourage independent thinking:  Tweens — kids heading into adolescence — start to question parental teaching about ethics and morality.  They’re testing the waters, pushing back against parental authority.  They’re flexing their ethical muscles and forming their own conclusions.   You might enjoy steak, but your kid becomes a vegetarian.  Or, you’re against fast fashion, but your kid loves it.  These rifts might exasperate you, but remember:  Your kids are taking developmental steps.  They’re growing stronger as their own person.  

Political polarization complicates this healthy process:  Our political situation, like a dysfunctional family, leaves us all feeling scared and helpless.  In reaction, we become polarized and defensive.  Thinking disappears.  We hunker down, protecting our embattled positions, and it’s hard to talk rationally about legitimate differences of opinion.  Tweens and teens need those rational conversations to determine their own values, and keep their minds growing. 

You might have a family conversation about local politics, which is usually less polarized.  Take an issue, like whether a city builds affordable housing or protects green space.  It’s an approach-approach conflict between two positives.  How does a group think through the competing values?  Family members might agree to disagree.  Such conversations are wholesome mental workouts; they help your kids grow into solid-minded citizens who can think for themselves.  

“Stop,” you cry.  “This is too much.”  Today’s parents have impossibly-high expectations, so I don’t mean to add to your load.  

Here are the core ideas:  Stand for reality, but don’t rush your children out of childhood.  Remember that civic education fits the goal of keeping up with your child’s maturing interests.  Educate your children about the broader world.  You’re a trusted resource for what they’ll encounter.  They’ll feel your guidance as respectful inclusion, recognition that they’re growing up.  You’re telling them:  One day it will be your turn.

Miriam Voran consults with parents and practices psychoanalytic psychotherapy with children and adults in West Lebanon and Montpelier.  She is on the clinical faculty at Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth.  She lives in West Lebanon and can be reached at Miriam.j.voran@dartmouth.edu.