On behalf of the West Lebanon Visitors Bureau I want to thank the greater Upper Valley — and the rest of the known world — for patience during our recent traffic woes.
Main Street has been something of a mess. As improvement projects proceeded, cars and trucks have been inching through our charming and usually welcoming thoroughfare.
Unconfirmed reports are that Advance Transit buses were merely slowing down at bus stops, and plucky passengers were forced to run alongside and hop on as drivers yelled encouragement.
“Most of them made it,’’ a frequent Main Street pedestrian reported. “People move faster than you’d expect when they’re in a full panic.”
The Visitors Bureau recommends that Main Street drivers keep well hydrated during delays, and that cellphones be fully charged before entering the slow-traffic zone. On hot days air conditioning is recommended, or a cooler full of beverages that are in compliance with local open-container laws. Be careful about transporting pets or “extremely cranky citizens who may become hostile in overheated situations.”
The Bureau has also crafted a Spotify playlist of “Songs to Be Struck in Traffic By.” It features soothing sonatas, pop songs like “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” calming self-talk led by motivational speakers, and downloadable lectures about the history of concrete, asphalt and the inventor of the traffic light.
According to multiple online sources, the inventor was Garrett Morgan, a young Black man who patented a three-way traffic signal in 1923. He developed the idea in Cleveland, Cuyahoga County Ohio, which is rightly proud of him. The county website notes, rather perkily, “His inventions are still used today, and now any time you are waiting at a stop light, you can think of Garrett Morgan!”
Well, I suppose you could.
The Visitors’ Bureau knows that being stalled in traffic is intensely stressful and has a team of traffic counselors standing by to take your call. Freudian analysts aren’t really suited to this work — “Tell me about your mother — was she a good driver?” — but Traffic Reality Therapists offer quick, directed counseling, typically something like “Have you considered a detour?” or “Get over it!”
Meditation teachers are also on call. “Put your middle finger down and breathe in for four counts. Now exhale for five. Relax. Hands away from the horn, and breeeeaaathe …”
The Visitors Bureau also offers a Main Street audio tour. It is rather exhaustive. Highlights include Caribbean, Korean and Thai restaurants, three banks, two auto parts stores, a barber, salon, diner, tax prep services, a cobbler, and more. There’s the lively Kilton Library where you can read an actual book that you don’t have to charge, a fire station with very clean fire engines, and two beer and smoke shops, one with adult novelties (but keep your eye on the road). Just off Main Street are two tire shops, a feed and supply store, an army/navy surplus shop and a TV repair clinic — yes, some can still be fixed.
It’s a lot, but a traffic jam presents a rare opportunity to take it all in. It may be that most times you visit Main Street you are merely passing through on the way to somewhere else. That is no way to experience life!
Area residents eagerly await completion of the improvements, which began by making the street a temporary hellscape. At one point my wife asked about the extensive hillside grading on South Main Street. “I think they’re recreating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon,’’ I said. Alas, I was wrong.
Recent addition of trees and benches have actually spruced up the area, so much so that this cynic-at-large is somewhat impressed (although reserving the right to complain later). One alert local resident challenged me to explain why several of the new benches face away from the street, two directly toward bank buildings. You could sit there and think about the magic of compound interest, or lose yourself in reverie about the Federal Reserve and quantitative easing.
“I guess not everybody likes watching traffic,’’ I said, but I can only wonder whether the placement says something about the human condition and whether heavy traffic is alienating us from … pretty much everything.
Of course, extended construction does raise the question of how much improvement we can take. First roundabouts, and now this. Humanity seems to be regressing, or at best is stalled, and all we can manage is new infrastructure.
Our traffic malaise seemed to be slowly improving this week. But as is often true in road projects and many other things, relief may be only temporary.
The West Lebanon Visitors Bureau is reminding travelers that replacement of the infamous Dry Bridge will soon commence: “You will have your choice of convenient and scenic alternate routes. Ready yourself for a new adventure!”
I say Godspeed and good luck.
The writer lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.
