Recently, Michele Frenkiewich, of New London, started watching the show Parenthood. Although the popular series ended back in 2015, it immediately captured Frenkiewich’s interest.
“It’s just beautiful. It’s siblings supporting each other, being there for each other, and just loving each other,” she said. That’s exactly what Frenkiewich hopes for the relationships between her five children.
The huge popularity of the series, and the fact that it’s still converting new fans four years after it last aired, shows how fascinated people are with siblings. Our brothers and sisters are the first people with whom we learn how to navigate complex relationships. While parents, ideally, will provide unconditional support, siblings deliver a dose of tough love that is important for learning social skills like compassion, compromise and conflict resolution.
“For many of us, relationships with our siblings are some of the most important during our childhoods and even throughout our lives,” said Susan Pullen, a pediatric behavioral health clinician at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center. “Relationships with siblings impact a child’s development, can have lifelong influence on self image and can inform how children learn to interact socially with others.”
While friends are important, ever-present brothers and sisters have an entirely different dynamic, said Katherine Allen, a licensed family and marriage therapist who practices in Hanover.
“A sibling knows all your best moments and all your worst moments,” she said.
Dealing with someone through the good and the bad teaches important lessons.
“While there will be struggles between siblings, there will also be tremendous opportunities for happiness and in some cases your children may become lifelong best friends” Pullen said. “An important life lesson along the way for parents and children alike is that we are all perfectly imperfect, and the learning that comes from that can be one of life’s greatest gifts.”
Most parents consider siblings when they’re thinking about how to structure their families. Forty-eight percent of Americans polled in 2016 believe that two-child families are ideal, according to the Pew Research Center. While challenges like divorce or infertility can change plans, most parents have an idea of how many kids they would like, and even the spacing that they believe will give the best family dynamics.
Erin Hegarty, of Claremont, enjoyed 10 years raising her daughter, Emma, as an only child. She said that having just one child gave her the chance to focus on Emma’s needs.
“I have had 10 beautiful years to focus only on my daughter, and she is easily one of my favorite people,” Hegarty said.
However, 18 months ago Hegarty had a second child, and she’s now pregnant with her third. She anticipates that having two kids close in age will be an entirely different experience.
“I’m expecting a certain level of chaos, to be honest,” she said. “In the immediate future, I see having two children close in age being a lot to manage. Of course, a lot of magical loving moments as well. In the long run, they will have more in common with each other as they grow up together than they will with their much older sissy.”
No matter the age gap between siblings, or whether they are biologically related or blended, that sharing experiences together helps siblings bond, Allen said.
“Having consistent rituals and traditions is a really important thing,” she said. “That can be a thread to tie people together.”
As varying family structures have become more common, the definition of siblings has grown. Traditional brothers and sisters — who are raised together and share a biological mom and dad — are now joined by half-siblings, step-siblings, adoptive siblings and even donor siblings.
Kristina Bernard, of Claremont, has a family with complicated sibling dynamics. Her husband, Ed, had two daughters, now ages 22 and 27, from a previous marriage. When the Bernards got married they decided to grow their family by adopting from foster care. They envisioned many children close in age, but when 3-year-old Savannah was placed with them they paused expanding the family so that they could focus on her needs. When Savannah was 15, they talked to her about fostering or adopting more children. A few months later a little girl who is now 15 months, came into the family as a foster child. Although the baby isn’t legally a family member, she is in the eyes of the Bernards.
“My hope is for Savannah and the baby to have a great relationship,” she said. “The connection between them was almost immediate.”
The family does navigate some sibling strife. Ed’s two older girls have little relationship with Savannah and the baby, both of whom have biological siblings with whom they’re not in contact. Despite the challenges, the Bernards hope to expand their family further through future adoptions.
Although Savannah, now 17, isn’t officially the baby’s sister yet, she enjoys building a their relationship.
“I personally love being the older sibling and watching her grow. I’ve lived life enough to appreciate the small things like her sitting up on her own or learning to wave,” she said. “She brings a lot of joy to the family and having her makes the rest of us work as a team and that has brought us all closer.”
She hopes to continue that relationship over time.
“As she grows, I realize it might be hard for us to be super close as I leave for college next year and then begin my life,” Savannah said. “But I want to be someone she can always come to, and relate to. Even if she just needs a weekend away or a phone call. She is just as much my sister as a blood relation.”