When it comes to talking to kids about issues of sexuality, parents are often befuddled by online safety. Jennifer Frank, sergeant and soon-to-be chief of the Norwich Police Department, regularly discusses internet safety with kids, teens and their parents. Frank, the mother of two adult children, shared her tips for talking to kids. (Hint: Start sooner than you may think.)
Parents tend to think about online safety as a topic for teens and preteens, but Frank said these conversations need to start as soon as a child is left online with technology, which often happens with preschoolers or even toddlers.
“The reality is these are conversations around internet safety (that) we do need to have with all ages,” she said.
When you’re talking to young kids, keep it simple: Let them know to tell you if they ever come across something online that makes them uncomfortable.
Oftentimes, kids might not mention these things because they don’t want their devices taken away, so ensure that they know they should always talk to a trusted adult without fear of getting in trouble.
For many teens and preteens, a huge portion of socialization happens online. Because of that, it’s important to give kids some autonomy and a sense of ownership. Deciding on rules that work for parents and their children varies by family, Frank said, but it’s important that everyone be on the same page.
In an emergency, a teen’s social media accounts can lead to a wealth of information, so Frank recommends that parents have access to passwords on some level.
If teens are reluctant, have them put passwords in a signed and sealed envelope that is placed somewhere visible. The teen can see that the password hasn’t been used, but parents know they have it in case of emergency.
Few parents (or police officers) can keep up with trends in social media as diligently as teens, but that’s no reason to shy away from conversations about safe use, Frank said.
“The challenge that some parents run into is they are afraid to have these conversations because the children know more than they do,” she said.
Frank recommends using that knowledge to your benefit: Ask your childern to explain the apps they’re using and how they work.
If that fails, remember that on any platform, safety issues — such as refraining from sharing location information or sending pictures — remain the same. Don’t be afraid to address these in broad terms.
Sending and receiving nude pictures is alarmingly common in teens, Frank said. Six years ago she conducted research that surveyed dozens of New Hampshire teens and found that 25 percent of them reported they had sent, received or viewed a picture showing the buttocks, breasts or genitals of someone in their peer group.
Parents are terrified that this kind of exchange could lead to legal charges, but Frank said it’s very rare that exchanges between teens are prosecuted under child pornography laws. Still, exchanging pictures could have lifelong consequences.
Remind children that the photos never truly disappear (no matter what an app claims), and that once they’re sent, there is no way to take them back. Pictures that resurface years after they are sent could affect college or job prospects, for example.
“Although it’s hard to help a juvenile see 20 or 30 years down the road, a lot of the conversation should be about, ‘What do you gain by sharing this and what are the potential losses?’ ” Frank said. “ ‘Is the risk worth the reward?’ ”
In addition, talk to teens about the fact that sharing photos can have dire short-term social consequences. Frank said that as a school resource officer she has seen students struggle with suicidal thoughts after their photos were shared.
Knowing that friends or colleagues had seen compromising photos would be hard for adults, she said, and for preteens and teens it can feel devastating.
As a school resource officer, Frank once worked with a seventh-grader who had sent photos after being asked more than 60 times by a peer. This a new type of peer pressure, Frank said.
“It’s unique in the number of times of the ask,” she said.
Kids often end up sending photos not because they think it’s cool or because everyone is doing it, but to “shut up” the person who’s asking.
Parents should communicate with their children about this type of pressure and help them consider how to respond.
Likewise, talk to kids about the possibility that they could receive an unsolicited photo.
In that case, it’s best to delete it immediately and tell an adult. Keeping the lines of communication open is important, Frank said.
“They don’t have to be afraid to tell an adult,” she said.