I felt my grandmother’s absence the most after I returned to the Upper Valley.
It was the first year I didn’t have Italian Christmas cookies to snack on, trying to limit myself to one per day as a treat but inevitably failing. There were also no loaves of date nut bread to put in the freezer for midwinter treat.
Grief, I am learning, feels different during the holidays And it’s not just the day of; it’s in the moments leading up to it.
“Holidays can trigger feelings of sadness and loss,” Stephen Cole, a licensed psychologist who manages the Dartmouth-Hitchcock employee assistance program, told me last week. “It can make it a bit harder for people who are already grieving. It’s even harder when the loss has been pretty recent.”
That has certainly been the case for me.
Thanksgiving was my family’s first holiday get-together without my grandmother, and while we still gathered to celebrate, there was a slightly different mood.
“For both the person who is grieving and their family members, it’s important to anticipate that they may struggle at times around the holidays,” Cole said. “And a key to the grieving process is really accepting the sadness and other feelings and to try not to do undue pressure on themselves to act as if they’re fine when they’re not feeling fine.”
At dinner, we used casserole dishes that my grandmother had used for Thanksgiving meals for decades.
We talked about our favorite Thanksgiving memories of her while forging ahead with a new tradition of hosting the holiday at my parents’ house.
If you have loved ones who are grieving, it’s important to check in with them throughout the holidays. Invite them to activities, and if they initially say no, let them know that they can join in if they change their mind.
“Any well-intentioned invalidating of people’s feelings, like, ‘Oh, you’ll be fine, you just need to be with other people’ — it’s just very hard for people to hear those kinds of things,” Cole said. “Don’t brush it off. Don’t try to cheer them out of it. Try to be understanding if they’re not at their best. They may be sad or they may be more irritable. Just to kind of let them know that you care about them, but to give them some space too.”
However, if you notice that someone is having trouble taking care of their basic needs due to their grief or are having thoughts of suicide, it’s important to encourage them to reach out for help or even do so for them if their lives could be in danger.
Additionally, there are support groups in the area that they can turn to for help.
“Sometimes people, when they’re grieving, grief ebbs and flows. That’s the normal course. People have good days and have bad days. Even sometimes they have good hours and bad hours. When people are having a good moment and catch themselves enjoying something or having a laugh they sometimes get this pang of guilt that they’re not being true to the loved one that they lost. I advise people to try to enjoy those moments because the grief comes back,” Cole said. “Intense grief does subside over time. People have to keep moving at their own pace.”
■Grief Support Group: First and third Tuesdays, The Common Man Restaurant, 21 Water St., Claremont. 603-543-6800.
■Grief Support Group: First and second Tuesdays, 6 p.m., ArtisTree Community Arts Center farmhouse, 2095 Pomfret Road, South Pomfret. A safe space to share and process loss, however big or small. For all ages. Drop-ins welcome. a.hunt.art@gmail.com.
■Widow to Widow: First Mondays, 10 a.m.-noon, Lake Sunapee Region VNA & Hospice, 107 Newport Road, New London. A gathering for women going through the grieving process. 603-526-4077.
■Greater Sullivan County Survivors of Suicide Loss: Third Wednesdays, 6:30-8 p.m., Hope Recovery Center, 169 Main St., Claremont. For those 18 and older who have lost a loved one to suicide. 603-477-8822.
■Upper Valley GRASP (Grief Recovery After Substance Passing) in West Lebanon: Fourth Thursdays, 6-7:30 p.m., Kilton Public Library, 80 Main St. A peer support group for those who have lost a loved one to substance misuse. Call to register for a meeting. 603-359-7625.
■Living Through Loss: Every Friday, 12-1:30 p.m., Chun Chapel, Gifford Medical Center, 44 S. Main St., Randolph. For anyone who has experienced a significant loss. 802-728-2107.
Liz Sauchelli can be reached at esauchelli@vnews.com or 603-727-3221.
