Dear Santa,
The timing of this message might seem suspicious, but I’m not looking for any handouts — unlike the holiday letter in your archives from Danny Mackie, age 6, December 1959. The baseball glove and cap pistol worked out great, by the way.
I’m checking in from the snowy Upper Valley, Santa. Hope everything is swell at the North Pole. Tell the reindeer I said hello and have set aside carrots (organic and free range, raised in happy Vermont soil).
I advise double-checking your flight plans. You won’t believe who’s in charge at the FAA, and who’s minding the radar.
Homeland Security is also a little dicey. Boss lady and Disney villain Kristy Noem dresses in leather and snarls a lot. The Grinch has nothing on Madame Deportemall.
On a happier note, please tell Mrs. Santa we miss her. I understand she doesn’t like air travel and will be staying home this year. Speaking of sleigh driving, does your wife give you tons of directions? As a fellow longtime married guy, I imagine so.
But where would we guys be without them, right Santa? Probably out carousing with elves and sleeping it off in the reindeer barn. I don’t know about you, but I’m too old for monkey business. It’s early to bed, early to rise, early to nap, too.
Gifts aren’t necessary this year, Santa. Frankly, I have most everything I need, more or less. Inflation is high, but we are getting by. Marshmallows, milk and hot chocolate prices are up 17.3%. I can only imagine the tariffs on reindeer feed.
I’m turning 73 a couple of days after your big night. We’ve been in the same house for more than 40 years. Bottom line: There’s no room for more stuff.
They say that things are status quo at the North Pole. I’m glad you’re sticking with spreadsheets instead of AI for data management, Santa, and keeping manufacturing in-house. A working elf is a happy elf.
I hope the rumors about you and Ozempic are fake news. A couple extra pounds look fine on you. Great, even. Maybe a little more fiber would be in order? But I don’t want to get too personal.
By the way, did you make any progress on your cookbook project? I bet the Candy Cane Diet would be a big seller. Not that you need the money. Wall Street analysts all snug in their beds dream of your financials. Big expenses and no revenues, yet the long-term outlook is merry and bright. It’s like the AI boom and crypto, I guess.
A guy as busy as you needs to cut to the chase and so do I: It all comes down to whether we’ve been bad or good — or naughty vs. nice. I’ve been mostly good, but there’s always room for improvement. My wife Dede says I’ve been very good, but she’s a sweetie and an easy grader.
It’s not like I won the Nobel Peace Prize or anything in 2025. Which reminds me: There’s a former kid at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who wants a major award something awful. Maybe the elves can rework an old bowling trophy or something. Call it the North Pole Peace Prize. Or the Donner and Blitzen Magnificence Medal. Make it big, and very gold.
He says he’s not only good, but the goodest in history. Maybe a wellness check might be in order?
I can’t speak for everyone, but people in the Upper Valley, by and large, have been mostly good. Valley News subscribers in particular have been extra good. And I’m not just saying that because, well, you know. Whatever you can do, Santa.
All in all I do think I’ve gotten more mellow this year, which I take as a positive. No speeding tickets; I haven’t once beeped my car horn in anger. I guess I have had a moderate case of Trump Derangement Syndrome for several years — no vaccines for that, unfortunately. But as time has gone on I’m developing resistance, although occasional flare ups can occur. I heard a new medication, Maganix, is in clinical trials. I’m going to ask my doctor about it.
Bottom line, Santa, I’ve been mostly nice, but a little bit naughty on political things. I’ll try to do better next year, but there’s good, and the greater good.
Hope you understand, Santa. And I hope it doesn’t get me on the wrong list (that’s a thing now), but what can you do?
I wish we could Make America Merry Again, but the Bah Humbug spirit is strong these days. Still, good cheer to you, Santa. We are hanging in there, with midterms a-comin’. Ho ho ho!
Dan Mackie lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.
